I would, in general, consider myself a responsible and organized person. This has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t keep a checkbook and that I’m capable of misplacing something for years in a small studio apartment. And I’m not talking about tiny objects… I’m talking about large books, chairs, children, etc… But that’s neither here nor there and completely undermines my extremely organized collection of Metrocards all with about 5 cents credit on each of them…
But what the hell is up with me losing and/or destroying my phone. Flimsy pockets don’t help, neither does my tendency to place a phone on a counter while looking for cash at a deli or finding out the hard way that neither phones nor hamsters can swim. But four times since January? Oh come on.
And the weird thing is, of all things on my person during a normal trip into the outer world, I lose the phone. Not the non-sharpened pencil that is in my purse for absolutely no reason. Not the plane ticket stub from a trip I took 3 years ago that is still in there solely because of sheer laziness. Not one of the several nouveau-cool lip glosses that I used once and deemed made me look ridiculous. Not even my keys! No, I lose my phone.
Losing a phone, especially in the 21st century can be the be all-end all for some people. I have no internet, home phone, Morse Code device (they got mad when I took it from the Smithsonian), carrier pigeon (damn union wages) or regular (read: legal) access to any Times Square billboard. So when I lose my phone, that’s it. I’m, in a sense, stranded. I don’t know where you are, you don’t know where I am, and worse of all, I don’t know if some punk kid is having a laugh with his yes-we-will-be-robbing-you-in-5-years cronies, messaging my mother telling her that I’m having an affair with some hermaphrodite midget. (it wasn’t an affair, it was a unique, intense and loving relationship between two consenting adults). But seriously. I consider my losing a phone as the 21st century of “Hey, Captain Queeg, I’m still on the bloody island! Wait, come back! Ahh f***”. It’s kinda weird and yet sad in a way, not to mention scary that my life line, sense of self and every essence of being is a 4 inch piece of metal with pretty light-up buttons that tells the time and makes beepy noises.
Hey I hate technology for the most part. Mostly because I don’t understand any of it and can’t afford most of it. While I do think those laser discs got what was coming to ’em, I still do prefer VHS to DVD any day. (and don’t give me the whole “DVDs are better because you don’t have to sit there and wait for it to fast forward to a certain part..” If you have time to sit and watch a friggin movie, you have time to wait for one to fast forward, ok Rockefeller? Don’t act like your time is so precious that you can fit watching ‘Dude Where‘s My Car’ around your Harvard lecture on astrophysics but an extra 30 seconds of a VHS tape fast forwarding is a blight on and a disgrace to the scientific and ecological future of our fine nation). Good lord. Deal with it, flip through the TV guide and finish off those Mallomars, ya dumbass. Waiting builds character.
I mean I’d love it if phone calls were still to consist of “Hey June, it’s Mabel. Murray Hill 65000 please.” Or maybe not even that complicated, considering I like to limit my daily human interaction. Smoke signals were good shit, let’s go back to that. I’d be more than willing, but Curtis, my friendly, mostly-absentee doorman says there’s no access to the roof for tenants. Oh and that pesky NYC smog problem would probably cause a lot of confusion… “Oh, so you are climbing that tower in a clown suit and a sawed-off shot gun… I thought you were asking me to pick up the dry cleaning.. My bad.”
So anyway, after retracing my steps and tearing my poor apartment apart, I realize that, well, I need a new phone. Luckily my past phone adventures have led me to a relatively local ATT store where friendly “oh no here comes Sarah again” sales agents are ready to assist me following their strange habitual dash towards the back exit as me and my hurricane halo approach the vicinity... The slowest one always loses…. Interval training is the best, Maude, step it up.
So of course first I want to find a pay phone and call certain people to notify them of any possible shenanigans and/or that I wasn’t ignoring them. My lord, I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how to work a pay phone. I’m relatively intelligent. I’ve mastered the fine art of shoe tying, elevator button-pushing (although not always the right floor… baby steps) and basic microwave operations (it‘s on fire because it‘s ready!). I don’t know what they consider to be local or long distance here because there’s about 300 area codes used in the NYC area. I try putting the quarter in first, dialing first, pressing one, pressing 0, putting the quarter in last etc. And I just keep getting my quarter back. From no less than 4 phones. All of which upon I unleash a string of expletives my parents don’t think I know. I do know, however, that I thoroughly entertained some subway employees… So forget that idea, let’s just get to the store. I take the subway to the required stop and at this point encounter the slowest human beings known to man. I’m not a rude person, or if I am things are always said in my head. But I was whispering, quite audibly “oh come on move it hurry up I gotta get there yeah move slower that works.” Looking back I realize it wasn’t the smartest idea considering the number of neck tattoos that one guy had….
So I enter the store, frazzled, hair unkempt, wild eyed- not so different from the rabid raccoon that went through your garbage last week. I plop myself on the poor lady’s counter. “Fdstlsmksdnfiosifhduaishgfg!!!” I exclaim. What I’m actually saying is this: “Good afternoon, I’ve lost my phone, ma’am. Could you please assist me in finding a quality and prompt replacement. I would be most appreciative and would afterwards love to treat you to a coffee and pay for your children’s college.” It doesn’t really come out that way however. They’re specially trained in gibberish at these ATT stores though, as well as general Neanderthal-like sign language that consists of me gasping for air and presenting empty hands, much like a begger turns out his pockets. I should’ve brought my handkerchief sack on a stick but in the rush to get there it totally slipped my mind.
So nice lady presents me with a new phone while kindly and politely nodding at my incoherent rambling which at this point is “Hghdfgisdfnsdlfops” meaning “Quite disturbing these pesky phone tribulations. Perchance did you happen to catch the latest figure skating results? Oh and I just must tell you about the latest article I read on plutonium. I like unicorns.”
So I don’t panic easily. I panic when really serious things happen. Like when I forget to drop my Netflix in the mail… Or when I discover that yes, I ate those eggs and yes I know I bought them on the way home from work… but now I’m realizing that I don’t remember which job… But losing a phone, man, it’s something else. Regardless, I need to find a better way of transporting “Mr. Phone 6, The Dilemma Revisited”. I am quite close to having it just transplanted into my hip or something. I am more than amenable to taking yoga classes in order to actually being able to conduct a phone call in that situation….
And naturally, after crisis semi-averted-using-this-new-fangled-thing-called-money, I take the train in the wrong direction home. Now I do this quite often. I don’t pay attention, I see stairs and a big moving silvery car thing at the bottom and I think “Oh Boy!” So I hop on and realize that yes I’m going in the wrong direction and no, I don’t know where this train is taking me. Anything could happen…. “Next Stop, Space Mountain!” Hell if I know.
Ha, on a separate note, when thinking about a writing sample to send for my application to the SUNY Stonybrook PhD program, I briefly thought about my blog…. Then I realized that with that, they’d either accept me with flying colors and make me their leader, or pack their shit up and move the school to Bhutan. Hey I’ll find you, ho… I got lots of frequent flyer miles.
So Sarah and her sorry ass and her brand new phone are home, resting and realizing that it’s only 3 in the afternoon and more than enough time for another crisis or adventure. I think I will hide under my covers. With my phone. And, perhaps, my sanity.
Oh and a cop yelled at me for being mean to the subway turnstile. Suck it bitches. I lost my phone. Where’s the love.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Exit 19
*April 6, 2009*
And when you shake me awake, we wonder who the other one is
And where shall I take you?
I can deal with what I know much better than what I don’t
And I won’t deny what I feel because of fear
And yet I will deal with it..
And yet I must deal with it…
And yet I must question it
We can take that ride
And we can take that chance
And yet… where shall I take you?
And later, you might look at me
And perhaps you might smile… as a bohemian, as a realist
And later I might miss you
I think I might remember your smile..
And I think you might remember mine.. Could you?
I remember the remembrances and the gatherings and the gazes
But I remember a smile and a gaze and I remember a smile and a glance
I think we might think that something there
Is something we might remember
I think there is something we might remember
And here we are.
And yes, here we are and yes we are ok
And yes you are miraculous
And yes, you are.
I think I might be dreaming, and yes you are gone
So here we are..
And yes now it’s later….
And yet, here we are now
By miracle, yet, we are here now.
I know it was the chances and I know it was the coincidences
And yet you still remember… And yet I still do, too.
Should that be a sign?
Should that be an omen?
I’ve seen a lot and so have you,
I’ve seen a lot and so have you.
But suddenly, a smile.
So my darling, shall we?
Let’s take that exit
So what shall we do now? “I’ll go all the way with you, if you’ll only do the same for me”
There’s a yes and a no and a wrong and a right
At every turn
And yes, I know.
So look at it, and sigh
Look at it and choose. “you’ll be the death of me”
I don’t want to hear it, because I know.
But know, …. Know
So you will too,
Will you?
And when you shake me awake, we wonder who the other one is
And where shall I take you?
I can deal with what I know much better than what I don’t
And I won’t deny what I feel because of fear
And yet I will deal with it..
And yet I must deal with it…
And yet I must question it
We can take that ride
And we can take that chance
And yet… where shall I take you?
And later, you might look at me
And perhaps you might smile… as a bohemian, as a realist
And later I might miss you
I think I might remember your smile..
And I think you might remember mine.. Could you?
I remember the remembrances and the gatherings and the gazes
But I remember a smile and a gaze and I remember a smile and a glance
I think we might think that something there
Is something we might remember
I think there is something we might remember
And here we are.
And yes, here we are and yes we are ok
And yes you are miraculous
And yes, you are.
I think I might be dreaming, and yes you are gone
So here we are..
And yes now it’s later….
And yet, here we are now
By miracle, yet, we are here now.
I know it was the chances and I know it was the coincidences
And yet you still remember… And yet I still do, too.
Should that be a sign?
Should that be an omen?
I’ve seen a lot and so have you,
I’ve seen a lot and so have you.
But suddenly, a smile.
So my darling, shall we?
Let’s take that exit
So what shall we do now? “I’ll go all the way with you, if you’ll only do the same for me”
There’s a yes and a no and a wrong and a right
At every turn
And yes, I know.
So look at it, and sigh
Look at it and choose. “you’ll be the death of me”
I don’t want to hear it, because I know.
But know, …. Know
So you will too,
Will you?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My Birthday
So I’m approaching (on April 10th) another dreaded year of double digits starting with “2”. And what a year has passed! Now every year, I tend to look back and say “phew, that was a doozy”, and this year certainly isn’t an exception. My birthdays have generally always been a happy day/weekend. Let’s run down my birthdays for the last couple of years:
2008: Went to DC! Saw my old college, hung out at my old restaurants and bars, saw the sites that I failed to see when I actually was in college. Unfortunately it was supposed to be Cherry Blossom time and that was an epic fail because none of them had bloomed right. Guess that’s something to blame on global warming.
2007: Went to New Paltz and stayed at a really nice B&B by the river, had massages and went antiquing. But that’s so silly, I don’t buy antiques. I just tend to go into the places and say “$50 for that piece of crap?” and the store owners roll there eyes and the other patrons go “oh she is SO uncivilized”. And I get kicked out and end up howling my protest on the sidewalk.
2006: My first birthday in NYC. Went to Tavern on the Green (overrated, but beautiful) and got an iPod. Oh and went to the opera (Don Giovanni!). That was a good year- the weather was perfect that day. (Note, it has never rained on my birthday and I continue to go to church twice a year to pray for that fact…)
2005: Was still in England at school and went to London for the day, had sushi and did the museums! Was my first time to London without my family and with a significant other instead and it was quite nice!
2004: Went to Citronelle, a really nice restaurant in DC where I didn’t understand what a sommelier was and apparently embarrassed my date by asking :-)
2003: Turned 21, didn’t drink a thing because I was still recovering from having my wisdom teeth taken out the week before! Was an interesting situation because apparently it wasn’t “my night” to pick the restaurant and we ended up going to an Indian place (and I despise Indian food). So ok that wasn’t the best birthday, but alright!
I don’t really recall ones before that too much… when I was 16 my Mom took me to London for my birthday and I remember it snowing on the exact day-- that was cool!
So I’ve never been into presents and big parties and silly hats and streamers or anything. My birthday blog last year actually stated all the reasons I was thankful to be here because I feel that birthdays are a day where people should be thankful that you’re here as well. For any gifts (Christmas, birthday or otherwise), I would prefer 100 minutes of time spent thinking about a perfect gift than $100 spent on one- it’s all about effort. Anyone can just pick up a cd or earrings or some stupid teddy bear or something, but when someone takes you to DC or London- now that’s nice :-) Maybe because it actually makes me feel that people listen to a word I say (if you’ve read this far, you’re probably one of them, so mazel tov) and take heed to my likes and dislikes and things I want in life.
I don’t see birthdays as a depressing thing. “Oh my god I’m so old, yipes, what have I done with my life?” I think that thought every day anyway, at least the latter part of the statement. Especially recently…
Now any of you lambs actually reading my blog probably know that Sarah was terminated/executed from her last position at Rutgers. While I don’t think any termination is completely one person or another person’ s fault, I can say with complete sincerity and lack of ignorance that I was 95% right in the situation. But whatever, it’s over and me complaining about name-for-dean-that-my-parents-don’t-think-I-know won’t get me anywhere.
It’s been stressful though. I’ve never been unemployed for more than 2 weeks since I first got a job at age 19. I often had this whole swagger about how I’d never interviewed for a job that I wasn’t later offered. But according to some of my bleeding heart liberal friends, our last president wasn’t so hot in the economic sector and now things are kind of messed up! So for a couple months now it’s been constant applying and applying, a few interviews and so on and so forth. But now it’s so weird with interviews. Before it was so easy just to be like “well you’d be wise to hire me, and it’s your loss if you don’t”. And now it’s “please sir, please?” I’m not crazy about begging… But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
So it’s not just the natural depression that arises from being unemployed and feeling unemployable. The novelty of sleeping til 10 has worn off and the idea of having a 3 day weekend 7 days of the week is starting to get a little old.
Now I’m not going to bitch and moan about things too much in this blog because a) you don’t want to hear it, b) even if you did, I don’t think it’s fitting to discuss via public posting and c) this is supposed to be a post about my lovely birthday, not a “woe is me” session. But despite personal turmoil and traumas I’ve noticed something changing about New York in the midst of the economic problems. People in New York, at least in my experience, have always been quite friendly and able and willing to help. But now it’s different. Now it’s almost an “every man for himself” situation and people are having to watch their own backs instead of other people’s. This just isn’t in the workplace where you’re terrified about losing your job and you might need to do a little non-friendly competition with a co-worker to their own detriment. It’s in every day life because people are really stressed out! I don’t see the smiles and the kindnesses that I used to see and I’m sure that in my own way I’ve not been handing them out as much either. People are stretched as far as they can go and unfortunately, some basic human decencies and courtesies have disappeared as a result.
So my family doesn’t celebrate birthdays anymore (albeit a card and a phone call, but no presents), which is fine. Because if anyone actually asked me what I want for my birthday I think, honestly, I only have one answer-- ask me how my day was. That’s all I need.
2008: Went to DC! Saw my old college, hung out at my old restaurants and bars, saw the sites that I failed to see when I actually was in college. Unfortunately it was supposed to be Cherry Blossom time and that was an epic fail because none of them had bloomed right. Guess that’s something to blame on global warming.
2007: Went to New Paltz and stayed at a really nice B&B by the river, had massages and went antiquing. But that’s so silly, I don’t buy antiques. I just tend to go into the places and say “$50 for that piece of crap?” and the store owners roll there eyes and the other patrons go “oh she is SO uncivilized”. And I get kicked out and end up howling my protest on the sidewalk.
2006: My first birthday in NYC. Went to Tavern on the Green (overrated, but beautiful) and got an iPod. Oh and went to the opera (Don Giovanni!). That was a good year- the weather was perfect that day. (Note, it has never rained on my birthday and I continue to go to church twice a year to pray for that fact…)
2005: Was still in England at school and went to London for the day, had sushi and did the museums! Was my first time to London without my family and with a significant other instead and it was quite nice!
2004: Went to Citronelle, a really nice restaurant in DC where I didn’t understand what a sommelier was and apparently embarrassed my date by asking :-)
2003: Turned 21, didn’t drink a thing because I was still recovering from having my wisdom teeth taken out the week before! Was an interesting situation because apparently it wasn’t “my night” to pick the restaurant and we ended up going to an Indian place (and I despise Indian food). So ok that wasn’t the best birthday, but alright!
I don’t really recall ones before that too much… when I was 16 my Mom took me to London for my birthday and I remember it snowing on the exact day-- that was cool!
So I’ve never been into presents and big parties and silly hats and streamers or anything. My birthday blog last year actually stated all the reasons I was thankful to be here because I feel that birthdays are a day where people should be thankful that you’re here as well. For any gifts (Christmas, birthday or otherwise), I would prefer 100 minutes of time spent thinking about a perfect gift than $100 spent on one- it’s all about effort. Anyone can just pick up a cd or earrings or some stupid teddy bear or something, but when someone takes you to DC or London- now that’s nice :-) Maybe because it actually makes me feel that people listen to a word I say (if you’ve read this far, you’re probably one of them, so mazel tov) and take heed to my likes and dislikes and things I want in life.
I don’t see birthdays as a depressing thing. “Oh my god I’m so old, yipes, what have I done with my life?” I think that thought every day anyway, at least the latter part of the statement. Especially recently…
Now any of you lambs actually reading my blog probably know that Sarah was terminated/executed from her last position at Rutgers. While I don’t think any termination is completely one person or another person’ s fault, I can say with complete sincerity and lack of ignorance that I was 95% right in the situation. But whatever, it’s over and me complaining about name-for-dean-that-my-parents-don’t-think-I-know won’t get me anywhere.
It’s been stressful though. I’ve never been unemployed for more than 2 weeks since I first got a job at age 19. I often had this whole swagger about how I’d never interviewed for a job that I wasn’t later offered. But according to some of my bleeding heart liberal friends, our last president wasn’t so hot in the economic sector and now things are kind of messed up! So for a couple months now it’s been constant applying and applying, a few interviews and so on and so forth. But now it’s so weird with interviews. Before it was so easy just to be like “well you’d be wise to hire me, and it’s your loss if you don’t”. And now it’s “please sir, please?” I’m not crazy about begging… But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
So it’s not just the natural depression that arises from being unemployed and feeling unemployable. The novelty of sleeping til 10 has worn off and the idea of having a 3 day weekend 7 days of the week is starting to get a little old.
Now I’m not going to bitch and moan about things too much in this blog because a) you don’t want to hear it, b) even if you did, I don’t think it’s fitting to discuss via public posting and c) this is supposed to be a post about my lovely birthday, not a “woe is me” session. But despite personal turmoil and traumas I’ve noticed something changing about New York in the midst of the economic problems. People in New York, at least in my experience, have always been quite friendly and able and willing to help. But now it’s different. Now it’s almost an “every man for himself” situation and people are having to watch their own backs instead of other people’s. This just isn’t in the workplace where you’re terrified about losing your job and you might need to do a little non-friendly competition with a co-worker to their own detriment. It’s in every day life because people are really stressed out! I don’t see the smiles and the kindnesses that I used to see and I’m sure that in my own way I’ve not been handing them out as much either. People are stretched as far as they can go and unfortunately, some basic human decencies and courtesies have disappeared as a result.
So my family doesn’t celebrate birthdays anymore (albeit a card and a phone call, but no presents), which is fine. Because if anyone actually asked me what I want for my birthday I think, honestly, I only have one answer-- ask me how my day was. That’s all I need.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
50 Things
1. I don’t have a TV and I don’t think I’m missing out
2. The Christmases in my head are always better than the Christmases in my life. It’s like I have a whole Home Alone/Love Actually/any other warm fuzzy movie idea in my head about what Christmas should be like. You know, everyone wearing red sweaters and showing up at the house while it’s snowing, carrying bags of gifts and there being a great big old turkey on the table and candles and laughter, etc.. And leading up to it I celebrate it like that… But it never seems to work out that way. Maybe it’s because I no longer spend Christmas with my family.
3. I can’t handle people who are OCD to the point of making me feel lazy/stupid/sloppy/worthless
4. I love LOST and sometimes wish I were on the island.
5. I miss DC and England more than I can express in words. It’s heart wrenching sometimes
6. It makes me sad that I’ve never known my parents to kiss or hug each other a lot.
7. I cannot get off the phone with a sibling/parent/significant other without saying “I love you”. And it’s not just that I want them to know. It’s just that sometimes it might be the last time you get to say it. Superstitious maybe but I never want to regret not saying it.
8. I’d rather have a single daisy in the middle of March than a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day. I hate cliché.
9. It bugs the hell out of me when I tell people that I work(ed) in non-profit agencies and AIDS clinics, helping people and they don’t seem to understand because of my political affiliation. I am a Republican but I am not a bad person, despite others saying the two go hand-in-hand.
10. I miss being really good at playing piano and wish I hadn’t given it up.
11. I consider my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Mayer as one of the pivotal people in my life. She always supported me and told me I could do anything and everything. I just thanked her 3 months ago.
12. It bugs me when people refuse to learn English. I’m fine with the whole Melting Pot theory, but when I can’t ask an employee at the supermarket where the bread is, that’s a problem.
13. I’d love to know what it’s like to not pay taxes and just see what happens
14. I know myself well enough to know that while I’d love to own a gun, I shouldn’t.
15. I have never gotten a job/scholarship/in to school/apartment/opportunity because of who I knew. I did it all myself. And I really love that about myself.
16. Whenever I am nostalgic about high school, thinking that it was such a simple time and I’d love to go back, I just look at my yearbook and realize how much I hated it.
17. I hate job interviews. Not because I’m nervous, but because I feel like I’m begging. And I hate begging. I feel dependant and pathetic and incompetent. It’s an Oliver Twist complex.
18. I think Wawa hoagies are the best things ever invented. And I’ve tried my darndest to copy the recipe and can’t seem to get it quite right.
19. When I was little, we went camping in Ockinikon (Pine Barrens) after Thanksgiving. Those are some of the happiest memories of my life.
20. When I got my first F, I blamed someone else. I shouldn’t have.
21. I finally switched to contacts in July 2007 after 18 years of wearing glasses. But only because I was sick of being made fun of or stereotyped.
22. Anytime I ever saw a therapist, they always tried to link everything to my childhood. And then they don’t seem to believe me when I tell them I had a wonderful childhood.
23. I have only been sent flowers by one person. And that was on my 27th birthday, from someone I'd only known for 4 days.
24. I would love to just pick up and move somewhere, anywhere. Montana, Holland, Egypt, etc. So many other people have seem to have done that. Why can’t I?
25. I can stand pain, heartache, disappointment and turmoil. The one feeling I hate more than anything is being out of control. That includes being lost, being unemployed, having my fate in someone else’s hands, etc. The fear that those things instill in me is unbearable sometimes.
And 25 more. Because I guess I have a lot to say
1) January 2008 was one of the best months of my life - I had a great vacation with my parents and I got into my Doctorate program. January 2009 was one of the worst months of my life.
2) Sometimes I wish I was in an Errol Flynn film, as real life, not as an actress. Swashbucklers are hot.
3) I think guys with long/longish nails are disgusting. And I think any man who gets a manicure is prissy. I don’t even get manicures.
4) I have only been told I was beautiful by one person in my entire life.
5) I am apparently the black sheep in my family, but not because of lack of effort from me. Apparently much more goes on that I know about. But I hope they all know that I care.
6) The nicest thing anyone ever said to me was that I have a huge capacity to love and when I love, I love completely and all the way. My mother said that to me and it honestly was the kindest thing I have ever heard.
7) And it’s true. When it comes to friends, family and significant others- I will aggravate and drive you crazy more than you can believe. But I will also love you more than you can imagine.
8) Screaming children are like nails on a chalkboard for me. But I can’t tell if it’s the noise or the lack of consideration/good parenting from the adults that really gets to me.
9) I growl at people on the street that try to approach me for money/fundraising efforts/petition signings, etc. Just let me friggin walk. If I cared about your cause you’d know it already. But I give you props for supporting what you believe in.
10) I remember in 11th grade computer class having someone tell me that having kids was my purpose for being and my obligation as a citizen of this planet. It was long before that incidence that I’d decided never to procreate and that was just the icing on the cake. That Octo-Mom lady makes me want to barf.
11) I think the idea of an expensive wedding is disgusting. The best wedding I ever went to was in a field with a cabin and Sam Adams. (Tanya and Lisa’s) And it was not pricey. I’ve been to weddings that cost probably 90K and had just a mediocre time. Fog machines and light shows don’t represent love to me. And who the hell needs 10 bridesmaids. I don’t even know 10 people.
12) I have chronic insomnia and frequent nightmares. Not a good combination.
13) I haven’t dated a guy under 30 since I was 18. And I won’t. Except now that I’m approaching my late 20s maybe I need to bump the number up to 40. Or 50 :) :)
14) I am absolutely terrified of flying and yet I seek out jobs and vacations that would require me to board an airplane as often as possible.
15) I won’t date a guy who plays the guitar
16) I can name 5 places that I consider to be the most beautiful places on earth- Eileen Donan castle in Scotland, Trondheim Norway, San Gimignano Italy, Box UK (yes, it’s a town called Box), and Nice France.
17) I'm starting to call New York City home. I've been here over 4 years and when I just got back from North Dakota for Christmas, I, for the first time, said "I'm home".
18) To say ignorance is bliss is such a fallacy. Look into your heart and see what's in front of your face. You can't make a mistake in realizing it and acting on it. Some people can be so goddamn dumb. It's not a failure to say you've given up, either, my precious
19) I can’t handle people who won’t let go of the past, who want you to be someone else or who won’t accept you for who you are. I think one of the basic tenants of human contact and relations is compromise and people who aren't willing or able to do that confuse me.
20) My grandmother was the most beautiful person on this earth.
21) I think I’m more religious than I let on, but I am horrifically uncomfortable in church.
22) I am so proud of my father.
23) The idea of prison terrifies me. I am addicted to watching those LockUp shows on MSNBC and cannot think of anything more horrible.
24) There are 5 apologies that I gravely need to give. I hope you know if you're connected one of them that I am sorry. And if you feel you need an apology for something, I hope you tell me because I never want to hurt someone.
25) And there is one person that I need an apology from, but I will never get it. And I don’t care.
ps and maybe there is a 26th: there is one person I need to say sorry to. Who will never hear it.
2. The Christmases in my head are always better than the Christmases in my life. It’s like I have a whole Home Alone/Love Actually/any other warm fuzzy movie idea in my head about what Christmas should be like. You know, everyone wearing red sweaters and showing up at the house while it’s snowing, carrying bags of gifts and there being a great big old turkey on the table and candles and laughter, etc.. And leading up to it I celebrate it like that… But it never seems to work out that way. Maybe it’s because I no longer spend Christmas with my family.
3. I can’t handle people who are OCD to the point of making me feel lazy/stupid/sloppy/worthless
4. I love LOST and sometimes wish I were on the island.
5. I miss DC and England more than I can express in words. It’s heart wrenching sometimes
6. It makes me sad that I’ve never known my parents to kiss or hug each other a lot.
7. I cannot get off the phone with a sibling/parent/significant other without saying “I love you”. And it’s not just that I want them to know. It’s just that sometimes it might be the last time you get to say it. Superstitious maybe but I never want to regret not saying it.
8. I’d rather have a single daisy in the middle of March than a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day. I hate cliché.
9. It bugs the hell out of me when I tell people that I work(ed) in non-profit agencies and AIDS clinics, helping people and they don’t seem to understand because of my political affiliation. I am a Republican but I am not a bad person, despite others saying the two go hand-in-hand.
10. I miss being really good at playing piano and wish I hadn’t given it up.
11. I consider my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Mayer as one of the pivotal people in my life. She always supported me and told me I could do anything and everything. I just thanked her 3 months ago.
12. It bugs me when people refuse to learn English. I’m fine with the whole Melting Pot theory, but when I can’t ask an employee at the supermarket where the bread is, that’s a problem.
13. I’d love to know what it’s like to not pay taxes and just see what happens
14. I know myself well enough to know that while I’d love to own a gun, I shouldn’t.
15. I have never gotten a job/scholarship/in to school/apartment/opportunity because of who I knew. I did it all myself. And I really love that about myself.
16. Whenever I am nostalgic about high school, thinking that it was such a simple time and I’d love to go back, I just look at my yearbook and realize how much I hated it.
17. I hate job interviews. Not because I’m nervous, but because I feel like I’m begging. And I hate begging. I feel dependant and pathetic and incompetent. It’s an Oliver Twist complex.
18. I think Wawa hoagies are the best things ever invented. And I’ve tried my darndest to copy the recipe and can’t seem to get it quite right.
19. When I was little, we went camping in Ockinikon (Pine Barrens) after Thanksgiving. Those are some of the happiest memories of my life.
20. When I got my first F, I blamed someone else. I shouldn’t have.
21. I finally switched to contacts in July 2007 after 18 years of wearing glasses. But only because I was sick of being made fun of or stereotyped.
22. Anytime I ever saw a therapist, they always tried to link everything to my childhood. And then they don’t seem to believe me when I tell them I had a wonderful childhood.
23. I have only been sent flowers by one person. And that was on my 27th birthday, from someone I'd only known for 4 days.
24. I would love to just pick up and move somewhere, anywhere. Montana, Holland, Egypt, etc. So many other people have seem to have done that. Why can’t I?
25. I can stand pain, heartache, disappointment and turmoil. The one feeling I hate more than anything is being out of control. That includes being lost, being unemployed, having my fate in someone else’s hands, etc. The fear that those things instill in me is unbearable sometimes.
And 25 more. Because I guess I have a lot to say
1) January 2008 was one of the best months of my life - I had a great vacation with my parents and I got into my Doctorate program. January 2009 was one of the worst months of my life.
2) Sometimes I wish I was in an Errol Flynn film, as real life, not as an actress. Swashbucklers are hot.
3) I think guys with long/longish nails are disgusting. And I think any man who gets a manicure is prissy. I don’t even get manicures.
4) I have only been told I was beautiful by one person in my entire life.
5) I am apparently the black sheep in my family, but not because of lack of effort from me. Apparently much more goes on that I know about. But I hope they all know that I care.
6) The nicest thing anyone ever said to me was that I have a huge capacity to love and when I love, I love completely and all the way. My mother said that to me and it honestly was the kindest thing I have ever heard.
7) And it’s true. When it comes to friends, family and significant others- I will aggravate and drive you crazy more than you can believe. But I will also love you more than you can imagine.
8) Screaming children are like nails on a chalkboard for me. But I can’t tell if it’s the noise or the lack of consideration/good parenting from the adults that really gets to me.
9) I growl at people on the street that try to approach me for money/fundraising efforts/petition signings, etc. Just let me friggin walk. If I cared about your cause you’d know it already. But I give you props for supporting what you believe in.
10) I remember in 11th grade computer class having someone tell me that having kids was my purpose for being and my obligation as a citizen of this planet. It was long before that incidence that I’d decided never to procreate and that was just the icing on the cake. That Octo-Mom lady makes me want to barf.
11) I think the idea of an expensive wedding is disgusting. The best wedding I ever went to was in a field with a cabin and Sam Adams. (Tanya and Lisa’s) And it was not pricey. I’ve been to weddings that cost probably 90K and had just a mediocre time. Fog machines and light shows don’t represent love to me. And who the hell needs 10 bridesmaids. I don’t even know 10 people.
12) I have chronic insomnia and frequent nightmares. Not a good combination.
13) I haven’t dated a guy under 30 since I was 18. And I won’t. Except now that I’m approaching my late 20s maybe I need to bump the number up to 40. Or 50 :) :)
14) I am absolutely terrified of flying and yet I seek out jobs and vacations that would require me to board an airplane as often as possible.
15) I won’t date a guy who plays the guitar
16) I can name 5 places that I consider to be the most beautiful places on earth- Eileen Donan castle in Scotland, Trondheim Norway, San Gimignano Italy, Box UK (yes, it’s a town called Box), and Nice France.
17) I'm starting to call New York City home. I've been here over 4 years and when I just got back from North Dakota for Christmas, I, for the first time, said "I'm home".
18) To say ignorance is bliss is such a fallacy. Look into your heart and see what's in front of your face. You can't make a mistake in realizing it and acting on it. Some people can be so goddamn dumb. It's not a failure to say you've given up, either, my precious
19) I can’t handle people who won’t let go of the past, who want you to be someone else or who won’t accept you for who you are. I think one of the basic tenants of human contact and relations is compromise and people who aren't willing or able to do that confuse me.
20) My grandmother was the most beautiful person on this earth.
21) I think I’m more religious than I let on, but I am horrifically uncomfortable in church.
22) I am so proud of my father.
23) The idea of prison terrifies me. I am addicted to watching those LockUp shows on MSNBC and cannot think of anything more horrible.
24) There are 5 apologies that I gravely need to give. I hope you know if you're connected one of them that I am sorry. And if you feel you need an apology for something, I hope you tell me because I never want to hurt someone.
25) And there is one person that I need an apology from, but I will never get it. And I don’t care.
ps and maybe there is a 26th: there is one person I need to say sorry to. Who will never hear it.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Health Care
Ok this is just a short blog to chronicle my disgust
How ridiculous is it that I have to 'shop around' for a doctor that will perform a biopsy? (if you want to know more, email me, but this isn't the right venue to describe it)
I currently do not have health insurance and have had to call around to no less than 79 doctors/clinics in NYC to find someone who will perform this at a price I can afford.
And in the end I still can't afford it because they won't release me without someone to pick me up and take me home.. which will cost another $40 in the taxi, and I don't know anyone with a car who is willing to pick me up.
this sucks, lambs.
How ridiculous is it that I have to 'shop around' for a doctor that will perform a biopsy? (if you want to know more, email me, but this isn't the right venue to describe it)
I currently do not have health insurance and have had to call around to no less than 79 doctors/clinics in NYC to find someone who will perform this at a price I can afford.
And in the end I still can't afford it because they won't release me without someone to pick me up and take me home.. which will cost another $40 in the taxi, and I don't know anyone with a car who is willing to pick me up.
this sucks, lambs.
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