50 Things

1. I don’t have a TV and I don’t think I’m missing out

2. The Christmases in my head are always better than the Christmases in my life. It’s like I have a whole Home Alone/Love Actually/any other warm fuzzy movie idea in my head about what Christmas should be like. You know, everyone wearing red sweaters and showing up at the house while it’s snowing, carrying bags of gifts and there being a great big old turkey on the table and candles and laughter, etc.. And leading up to it I celebrate it like that… But it never seems to work out that way. Maybe it’s because I no longer spend Christmas with my family.

3. I can’t handle people who are OCD to the point of making me feel lazy/stupid/sloppy/worthless

4. I love LOST and sometimes wish I were on the island.

5. I miss DC and England more than I can express in words. It’s heart wrenching sometimes

6. It makes me sad that I’ve never known my parents to kiss or hug each other a lot.

7. I cannot get off the phone with a sibling/parent/significant other without saying “I love you”. And it’s not just that I want them to know. It’s just that sometimes it might be the last time you get to say it. Superstitious maybe but I never want to regret not saying it.

8. I’d rather have a single daisy in the middle of March than a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day. I hate cliché.

9. It bugs the hell out of me when I tell people that I work(ed) in non-profit agencies and AIDS clinics, helping people and they don’t seem to understand because of my political affiliation. I am a Republican but I am not a bad person, despite others saying the two go hand-in-hand.

10. I miss being really good at playing piano and wish I hadn’t given it up.

11. I consider my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Mayer as one of the pivotal people in my life. She always supported me and told me I could do anything and everything. I just thanked her 3 months ago.

12. It bugs me when people refuse to learn English. I’m fine with the whole Melting Pot theory, but when I can’t ask an employee at the supermarket where the bread is, that’s a problem.

13. I’d love to know what it’s like to not pay taxes and just see what happens

14. I know myself well enough to know that while I’d love to own a gun, I shouldn’t.

15. I have never gotten a job/scholarship/in to school/apartment/opportunity because of who I knew. I did it all myself. And I really love that about myself.

16. Whenever I am nostalgic about high school, thinking that it was such a simple time and I’d love to go back, I just look at my yearbook and realize how much I hated it.

17. I hate job interviews. Not because I’m nervous, but because I feel like I’m begging. And I hate begging. I feel dependant and pathetic and incompetent. It’s an Oliver Twist complex.

18. I think Wawa hoagies are the best things ever invented. And I’ve tried my darndest to copy the recipe and can’t seem to get it quite right.

19. When I was little, we went camping in Ockinikon (Pine Barrens) after Thanksgiving. Those are some of the happiest memories of my life.

20. When I got my first F, I blamed someone else. I shouldn’t have.

21. I finally switched to contacts in July 2007 after 18 years of wearing glasses. But only because I was sick of being made fun of or stereotyped.

22. Anytime I ever saw a therapist, they always tried to link everything to my childhood. And then they don’t seem to believe me when I tell them I had a wonderful childhood.

23. I have only been sent flowers by one person. And that was on my 27th birthday, from someone I'd only known for 4 days.

24. I would love to just pick up and move somewhere, anywhere. Montana, Holland, Egypt, etc. So many other people have seem to have done that. Why can’t I?

25. I can stand pain, heartache, disappointment and turmoil. The one feeling I hate more than anything is being out of control. That includes being lost, being unemployed, having my fate in someone else’s hands, etc. The fear that those things instill in me is unbearable sometimes.

And 25 more. Because I guess I have a lot to say

1) January 2008 was one of the best months of my life - I had a great vacation with my parents and I got into my Doctorate program. January 2009 was one of the worst months of my life.

2) Sometimes I wish I was in an Errol Flynn film, as real life, not as an actress. Swashbucklers are hot.

3) I think guys with long/longish nails are disgusting. And I think any man who gets a manicure is prissy. I don’t even get manicures.

4) I have only been told I was beautiful by one person in my entire life.

5) I am apparently the black sheep in my family, but not because of lack of effort from me. Apparently much more goes on that I know about. But I hope they all know that I care.

6) The nicest thing anyone ever said to me was that I have a huge capacity to love and when I love, I love completely and all the way. My mother said that to me and it honestly was the kindest thing I have ever heard.

7) And it’s true. When it comes to friends, family and significant others- I will aggravate and drive you crazy more than you can believe. But I will also love you more than you can imagine.

8) Screaming children are like nails on a chalkboard for me. But I can’t tell if it’s the noise or the lack of consideration/good parenting from the adults that really gets to me.

9) I growl at people on the street that try to approach me for money/fundraising efforts/petition signings, etc. Just let me friggin walk. If I cared about your cause you’d know it already. But I give you props for supporting what you believe in.

10) I remember in 11th grade computer class having someone tell me that having kids was my purpose for being and my obligation as a citizen of this planet. It was long before that incidence that I’d decided never to procreate and that was just the icing on the cake. That Octo-Mom lady makes me want to barf.

11) I think the idea of an expensive wedding is disgusting. The best wedding I ever went to was in a field with a cabin and Sam Adams. (Tanya and Lisa’s) And it was not pricey. I’ve been to weddings that cost probably 90K and had just a mediocre time. Fog machines and light shows don’t represent love to me. And who the hell needs 10 bridesmaids. I don’t even know 10 people.

12) I have chronic insomnia and frequent nightmares. Not a good combination.

13) I haven’t dated a guy under 30 since I was 18. And I won’t. Except now that I’m approaching my late 20s maybe I need to bump the number up to 40. Or 50 :) :)

14) I am absolutely terrified of flying and yet I seek out jobs and vacations that would require me to board an airplane as often as possible.

15) I won’t date a guy who plays the guitar

16) I can name 5 places that I consider to be the most beautiful places on earth- Eileen Donan castle in Scotland, Trondheim Norway, San Gimignano Italy, Box UK (yes, it’s a town called Box), and Nice France.

17) I'm starting to call New York City home. I've been here over 4 years and when I just got back from North Dakota for Christmas, I, for the first time, said "I'm home".

18) To say ignorance is bliss is such a fallacy. Look into your heart and see what's in front of your face. You can't make a mistake in realizing it and acting on it. Some people can be so goddamn dumb. It's not a failure to say you've given up, either, my precious

19) I can’t handle people who won’t let go of the past, who want you to be someone else or who won’t accept you for who you are. I think one of the basic tenants of human contact and relations is compromise and people who aren't willing or able to do that confuse me.

20) My grandmother was the most beautiful person on this earth.

21) I think I’m more religious than I let on, but I am horrifically uncomfortable in church.

22) I am so proud of my father.

23) The idea of prison terrifies me. I am addicted to watching those LockUp shows on MSNBC and cannot think of anything more horrible.

24) There are 5 apologies that I gravely need to give. I hope you know if you're connected one of them that I am sorry. And if you feel you need an apology for something, I hope you tell me because I never want to hurt someone.

25) And there is one person that I need an apology from, but I will never get it. And I don’t care.

ps and maybe there is a 26th: there is one person I need to say sorry to. Who will never hear it.