Amtrak

This is a long post so you might want to take the day off work...

While I love travelling, I absolutely detest the actual transportation part of it. Once I get to my destination I’m fine, but it’s when my mode of transportation is ready to go--- here is when I go crazy.

1) For starters, I always pack way too much. I’m of the mantra that if global warming is real, then I absolutely need to bring a pair of shorts to Western Massachusetts… in November. But also being superstitious, I flip it using my version of deductive reasoning (tequila) and bring heavy sweaters to Florida… in August. I pack 4 days worth of clothes for a 2 day trip. And each day consists of at least 3 or 4 outfits/themes. Ballgame or opera? Anything could happen.

2) I have the crappiest luggage known to man. I have a tan leather suitcase that my parents have had since the 70s (maybe 60s). I have a hand-me-down large rolly suitcase (the only decent one, but so large it’s only useful for long trips). I have a large rolly duffel, also only good for long trips, but when even partially full just tips itself over like a kid whose training wheels just got taken off. I have a large red duffel bag that has my sister’s name on it. Because it was her karate equipment bag back in 1995. I have 2 or 3 small gym bags one of which I am using on this trip—the one where I just realized that it has a tear in the side and my underwear has been hanging out. And it’s my word-of-the-day underwear. And it’s the Sunday pair. I’ll be home before Sunday so now it’s just pathetic.

3) I also think it’s always a good idea to bring my computer. I’m convinced that I’ll do work, write a novel, or find myself of special importance to someone or some cause where only my computer and expertise on it will work. Only my borrowed Sony Vaio with half-broken keyboard will do this job!!! My computer weighs about 15 pounds and gains weight during my vacations. Funny- so do I.

So despite making the bright decision to travel the day before Thanksgiving (using the skewed logic that everyone else thinks that everyone else is travelling that day and so therefore no one will be travelling that day) I am finally on my way.

Riding the NYC subway is an interesting (read: agonizing) experience no matter the day or time. But to carry luggage at rush hour is the worst. Nearing a holiday makes it no less crowded either. So at 6:30am I head to the subway and continuously get glared at because I’m hobbling down the stairs (no don’t help me) with my too many/too heavy bags (it’s fine thanks), stopping to pick up my dropped newspaper (no really, don’t even offer) and taking up a bit more room than usual. I practically get knocked down by two grown presentable gentleman who are running down the stairs in a sheer panic to get to work on time. Well karma was on my side that morning, my lambs, because they get to the platform and realize the subway hadn’t even arrived yet (and wouldn’t for another 5 minutes).

So getting from the subway to the Amtrak station is a trek – 2 city blocks. Long blocks. Very long blocks. At this point the strap on my gym bag breaks and I’m forced to hold it by the handles. Add to that the bulky computer bag and awkward purse and here I am waddling down 34th street dodging tourists, business people and trying to find my way through the Macys Thanksgiving Day parade barricades. Then I start getting really overheated and my scarf, caught under the strap of my computer bag (with my 20 pound computer) is being pulled and choking me. And then my shoe gets untied. Fantastic. The pants that I refuse to wear a belt with are started to shuffle down and I give everyone a show as I stoop to tie my shoelace.

So I arrive at Penn Station in one piece and am pleasantly surprised that it’s not as crowded as I expected. Huzzah! I think… Well I cheered too soon. It was 7:40 and my train wasn’t until 8:30. That left 50 minutes for a bunch of jerks, snobs, morons, idiots, imbeciles and just plain stupid people to arrive and brighten my day further. And boy did they arrive… and arrive….

People at Amtrak act like they’re in a football offensive line and are ready for the hike (which is the announcement of which track their train is coming on) They stand acting all nonchalant but we all know calmest ones usually turn out to be the craziest. There are no seats to wait in either, so you stand awkwardly with your luggage in the middle of this huge open area, trying to ignore the glares of people walking through who think you’re purposely trying to stand in their way. So after battling the bathroom stall door, breaking the coat-hook with my 25 pound computer, I’m ready to go.

It is 8:10 and the fun really starts now. See the track announcement is made 10-15 minutes before departure so what I usually do is go to the ticket window, find a male ticket agent, bat my eyelashes and get them to tell me the track assignment early. Then I go and mark my territory.. I mean stand there.. until boarding. This usually works. However the line was so long I knew by the time I got to talk to someone, the train would be gone.

So instead I stand and wait. I notice, at one track, a bunch of people congregating… “hmmm” I ponder “maybe someone found out that that’s the track and shared it with their fellow travelers… no.. Impossible!” … I briefly consider going there anyway just in case but ultimately determine that if I did, then this most certainly would turn out to not be my track and I’d look like a douchebag or board the wrong train and end up in Chattanooga….

CURSES! Foiled again. It was the right track. The train was there, letting off passengers from its first trip of the day and some a-hole apparently revealed it was the NY-New Haven shuttle and was heading back up north. Great and it was the track furthest from me….

So that lovely track is now suddenly publicly listed as where we all need to go and then the madness starts. Now I thought that the group there already was the vast majority of my fellow passengers. I was wrong. I was very wrong. Unbeknownst to me, a small nation of morons had formed behind me, all determined to take the same train.

Now you need to think of this in slow motion…. People with rage on their faces, pushing, shoving, face-palming, bringing out baseball bats. All to the tune of O’Fortuna by Orff (look it up). The meekest of old ladies and the nicest looking of young children turn into savages intent on being the first in line so help them. Yes we all have tickets, but Amtrak sells more tickets than seats. Wow who knew.. Capitalism will turn the masses into… well.. masses.. I had young college-aged men in presentable (read:pansy) pea coats just shoving past me. Pregnant women knocking me down with suitcases (hey I would’ve let you go ahead of me… and good thing those maternal instincts are kicking in in the nick of time). Older ladies/business men/young professionals – you name it, they shoved me. I’d have shoved back but one, my scarf was choking me again and two, there were lots of guys with guns there……

Then comes man-kind’s version of a “line” which consists of one person at the top of an escalator and the crowd behind them extends into a kind of triangle shape. Then they announce that the other escalator is open for passengers to board but everyone just stand and looks at eachother, not sure if they should leave this triangle line and go start another one or not. So no one moves—kinda like when they open up a new lane at the supermarket but everyone just thinks “well, I’m already here..”

So we all eventually get down to the platform where people start to panic again. They stand at the bottom of the escalator and go “oh crap, which way do I go??” Then they sort of go left… wait! Now they want to go right… wait! Help…. So I just march towards the far end of the train in whatever direction I damn feel like going. I used the logic that the cars nearest the escalator must naturally fill up first. Not true. Again, everyone else thinks that too so they go to the far ends as well. Cripes….

I enter the train. No seats. Move through 4 cars. No seats. On a separate note- I love the people that put their bags on the seat next to them and then pretend to be asleep/harried/distracted/bury their noses in their laptops or newspapers. That ain’t gonna work. We know your ruse. How? Because we’ve all done it.

Still no seats. Then the geniuses/gifts to society in front of me in the cramped aisle and their steamer trunks now want to turn around and go in the other direction. So trying to squeeze past me results in several people getting conked in the head with my 30 pound computer. Eeps! More glares. I’m on a roll today.
Despite this, after several minutes of just standing there like a douche, I decide I want to turn around and go the other way. Yes there are a trillion people behind me and I don’t want to be a hypocrite and pull off the same move as the steamer trunk gang. But now it’s hot. It’s baking hot. It’s hot, crowded and people are tired and carrying far too heavy and too many bags (it’s actually not just me). They’re anxious, frantic and aggravated (could be just me). This is a ticking time bomb. There is literally a countdown to someone just going batshit (this most definitely will be me).

I curse the sky and the gods , say to hell with it and shuffle/waddle past the people behind me. I arrive to the last car- the dining car. And I get a whole dining bench to myself complete with a big shiny/sticky table upon which to write my tomes upon! Lucky me? Lucky you! Fan-friggin-tastic. I’m totally doing this from now on.

So then later on, on the shuttle from New Haven to Springfield I take the one lone seat left. Next to an older scholarly looking gentleman completely entranced in his scholarly papers. No worries. I go to put my things down. His mouth moves. Nothing comes out. Oops! I’m wearing my headphones. I take them out and ask him to please repeat. His mouth moves.. A very faint noise comes out. I go through several “Pardon me” “once again please” ‘s. At first I’m thinking he said the seat was taken. No. Then I think he’s saying he’s holding it, or someone asked him to hold it. No. Then I realize that he was saying I should ask the guy in front of me to put his seat back forwards because it would be rude to have his chair tilted back. Wait, what? They do this on airplanes and on Amtrak it’s not even close to the same angle. I didn’t even notice and believe me, if there was something there that could piss me off and have me complain, I’d notice it. I just said it wasn’t a big deal and I was fine. And SPEAK UP. Geez.

So I sit, replace my earphones and get out my newspaper. Now scholarly man wants to talk. Fuck.

Keep in mind that everything he says I’ve had to ask him to repeat about 3 times each (at least once where I had to take my head phones out to hear anything and at least twice where he was speaking too damn quietly)—

Him: I sure love this holiday

Me: Yes it’s great (replace my head phones again)

Him: The shuttle sure is convenient

Me: Yep it’s great if you don’t have a car (replace my head phones again) ***DO YOU NOT SEE THAT I’M WEARING HEADPHONES AND READING A PAPER***

Him: Know what the best part about New Haven is?

Me: --just smile meekly—

Him: The train.

Me: Yes, sure is (HEADPHONES!!!)

Him: If you don’t mind, I need to make a phone call

Me: Go crazy.

Him-------- gets on the phone and talks in a normal-volume voice. Ok I’m definitely on candid camera now

Me----- pretend to get on my own phone as he’s finishing his conversation and tell my fake friend on the other line that I’m taking a desperately needed nap. I hang up and close my eyes.

Him: Well you enjoy your nap. *looks slightly bewildered that I don’t want to talk*

Me: Thank you (HEADPHONES and close my eyes again)

We reach Hartford where a lot of people depart. He stands up. Now he has the window seat and you can’t really stand up fully so he kinda just does some Quasimodo hunch. I don’t know why. He’s staring at the back of the train.

He excuses himself to use the rest room, trying to climb over me before I can even move to let him into the aisle. (Thank you but I’ll wait til Xmas when the TSA can feel me up). He returns, says the car behind us is much cooler and he’s warm and he’s going to move. YAY!!!!

Me: Well take care

Him: -----mumble mumble—( I could give a crap)….

So a couple of minutes later I hear a random noise and turn to look behind me. And there I see Mr. Scholar… three rows behind me. Now what the hell is that? If you just want to spread out, utilizing the free seats, just tell me. You’re not going to insult me. And if you’re going to lie, go further back than 3 rows. Wow. I wasn’t lopping into his seat, being obnoxious, smelling, etc so I knew it wasn’t me.

So regardless I enjoy the rest of the 25 minutes in peace and arrive to my destination. Frazzled, but a bit more relaxed. I got to Springfield safely and am so happy to see my family, especially my amazing nephew.

But—I still have to get home on Friday… Stand by…