Work....

So i encountered my first dreaded work situation- the "you must eat the cake i made" moment. I hate cake. I feel like i just ate a whole stick of butter.

Had dreaded work encounter #2: "oh we have to be friends on Facebook!"... No. No we don't. And we won't.

Dreaded work situation number 3: I am asked who I voted for. It's none of your damn business who or what or if or when. I don't do politics in the workplace. I replied "long story" which is my version of "eff off" and got a "tsk!" in reply.

Dreaded work situation number 4: idiots. The lady showing me how to fill out my insurance forms asked me if my first name was "sarah" or "favorite." And i have to give this person my social security number.

Dreaded work situation number 5: the passive-aggressive boss. One second she tells me I have thoroughly insulted someone by CCing an additional person in an email (this was said with the low tone hinting "you are the biggest idiot known to man") then two seconds later is jolly and telling me i'm doing a great job.

Dreaded work situation number 6: the noise-makers. They seem to congregate around me; the pencil tappers, the pen cap clickers, the throat clearers, the loud typers, the people that have to go "ahhh" after every sip, etc. I have a seriously unhealthy hatred/phobia of repetitive noise so this is not good...

Dreaded work situation number 7- the loud phone talkers. I dont need to hear about your aunts mastectomy, little johnnys pink eye or the fact that your woman should not be mad at you since you didnt lie about Sandra.. Recognize your boundaries. And i dont believe you either..

Dreaded work situation number 8: being expected to join the ladies who lunch. I don't really feel like sitting there while you eat your salads, Lean Cuisines and left-over casseroles. I can already smell them from my desk. What I really want is a scotch and a bottle of Febreeze.

Dreaded work situation number 9: kitchen dentistry. I respect and admire your adherence to oral hygiene, but the mouthwash/floss thing at the kitchen sink is just gross. There's nothing quite like preparing my coffee while you're spitting (and missing). There's another place for this. It's called your house.

Dreaded work situation number 10: Names. I have worked here for 3 weeks. You should know my name. There are about 30 people who work in this office. You should know my name. I am not Susan, Sharon, Sally or Stella. And I most certainly am not Claire. I know your name...except now you have two. Only one of which i will call you to your face..

Dreaded work situation number 11: Clockers. These are the people who are obsessed at when you arrive/leave. Go to the bathroom/get back. Go to lunch/return. These people are not your supervisors, they are just co-workers. Ok who died and made you hall monitor?

Dreaded work situation number 12: Forced gift giving. I am thrilled beyond belief that it's your birthday/anniversary/ celebration of reproduction/etc. But when the over-caffeinated unofficial office-party-planner lady asks me to fork over $5, my mood drastically changes. I didn't really like you before. I like you even less now.

Dreaded work situation number 13: bathroom buddies. Now i'm all for co-worker small talk, but does it really have to take place between bathroom stalls? There's nothing weird or gross about yelling your weekend plans with the in-laws over the roar of a flushing toilet...

Dreaded work situation #14: Brown-nosers. Oh so you're "very excited about this project"? You "think the meeting was quite beneficial to overall productivity"? You "really like" boss's new glasses because "they look great" with her face shape?... I'm all for getting ahead at work but I am virtually incapable of disguising sarcasm. I'm not excited, the meeting was pointless and I didn't even notice her new glasses.

Dreaded work situation #15: Ultimate CC'ers. We don't need you to respond, let alone to everyone. If you're going to end the email with "LOL", please check to make sure you're not sending it to the entire office. And it's sweet you made cookies and they're in the kitchen, but please remember you work in the DC office. I cannot partake in your festivities. Sometimes the "all staff" email option is just an option..

These posts have ended because Sarah encountered Dreaded work situation #16:Layoffs. Boo. Drinks on you.