Wedding planning.
This whole thing
sucks. No, I am not a bridezilla and I am not about to be part of a
Bravo series, but maybe A&E will pick it up.
First: Who to invite.
It sucks that if you invite one, you have to invite the other. Otherwise feelings
may be hurt even if you haven't seen the person in 8 years. Oh so you
want free food and that's why you'll come? Save your breath and save your
time, save my energy and save my sanity and I'll send you a Lean Cuisine.
1a. who not to
invite. I don't want kids at my wedding. Kids are
unpredictable. Sometimes they can be quiet in the loudest of settings,
but vice versa. So if I invite you and your Mr, Mrs, Girlfriend,
Boyfriend, plus one etc, that means adults. No kids. I've already
had someone assume that their kid is invited. They are not. How am
I going to deal with this? I honestly have no clue. There is
security at the place but how much of a psycho bitch will I look like if they
ban a child from entering. Maybe I can do the whole NYC club thing with a
list and a velvet rope. I remember my
sister Beth coming up to NYC to visit me and we actually got into Marquee
without having to stand in line because I flirted with the bouncer. We ended up spending like $400 on like 5
drinks but I digress… Lindsay Lohan went
there!
Hey, calm down, it's not
personal towards your child (read: yes it is). I'm not inviting any kids
(read: I am, just not yours). It's an adult occasion (read: your kid is a
brat) with adult beverages (read: if your kid shows up, I will feed it alcohol)
and a calm, graceful atmosphere (read: leave it in the car with the windows
cracked, I could give a fuck).
Second: Dresses. I
think 90% of wedding dresses look like big piles of Stay-Puft marshmallow
poo. If you think you look good in it, if it makes you feel like a
beautiful bride, then go crazy. And people spend thousands of dollars on
dresses. A dress they will wear once. I've seen more than one bride
spill red wine on her dress. Alrighty then. Me? I got my dress
online for less than 200 bucks and I went for a non-white color.
Why? Because I hate conformity and I think my body would reject a white
dress...
Third:
Venue. We all wanted Princess Di's wedding. I've been planning mine
for decades. I paraded my stuffed animals down the living room in a
wedding procession (much to my grandmother's amusement) and thought how great
and grand this blessed event would be. When my sister got that magazine
drive job thing in middle school, I actually subscribed to Brides
Magazine. However, I chose a rather simple place, because actually having
it in a church would cost an extra 4k. Yes, $4000.00. Not just
because of holding the ceremony there, but because my dad and not the parish
minister would be officiating it and that actually adds to the
price. Holy moly. Nice Christian spirit there.
Fourth: Food. It's
food. This isn't IronChef or anything that requires pickled
cucumbers with a raspberry reduction smothered in a pomegranate Hollandaise
sauce. It's food, people. No matter how it goes in, it comes out
the same way. Then we get the people with special requests. Vegan, gluten-free,
no sugar, no salt, no soy etc. Eat it or not, I don't give a fuck,
but I'm not bending over and spending more cash for your new fad diet. You
can't eat it for medical or allergen reasons? Fine. Bring your own
shit in a Tupperware and nuke it in the kitchen. I'll even do it for you, as
long as you don’t go into some story about how not wearing crocodile-skin boots,
doing yoga and running marathons makes you a better person. Again, I
don't fucking care.
Fifth:
Music. Now I thought about my brother-in-law for doing the
music. But not only does the place not have the proper equipment, but I
don't have an Ipod. I have a "RadioShack on sale-pod". So
we hired a DJ. I talked to him and he seems plenty nice. Although
not sure he realizes that other than my nephew and maybe 2 other people, I will
be the youngest person there. No YMCA, no electric slide, no Macarena.
I will leave if that happens.
Sixth:
Invitations. The invitations have gone out. Unless your name is
specifically on the envelope, you are not invited. I have several people
who I add "and guest" to because I don't know their significant
other's name. But did I list your kids? No. Why?
Because I don't like kids. They're unpredictable and I aint having some
brat shouting and messing about while I'm walking up the aisle.
Sound cold? Good. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
Seventh: The
Registry. Ok this one is a bit strange. I've seen people's registry
lists. Who the fuck needs 2 punch bowls? And not just that - Vera
Wang punch bowls? Have you been to a party or outing where they have
punch bowls? I sure haven't. If you met my friends, you'd know
they're more like the keg stand, beer pong, "sorry I threw up in your
neighbors hedges" kinda people. Also, I am a bull in a Sarah shop
and I will inevitably break anything that isn't tied down or locked
up. Less likely if I'm the one either tied down or locked up....
Kinky? Yes. Safe? Yes. Mom don’t’ read this part.
And Crate and Barrel
wooden cheese boards? You know how I get cheese? I unwrap the Kraft
Singles wrapper and stick that bitch on my sammich.
Seventh: Money.
This is a doozy. I went to a wedding in Long Island once where the bride
and groom, at the reception, rose out of the floor on a rotating platform with
a bunch of that dry ice fog stuff all around them. I was agape. The
guy I was currently sleeping with actually told me I had to shut my mouth
because I was, actually, agape. It was so damn tacky. And what a waste of
money! Also, they have 12 entrée options on their menu. So that
means the kitchen has to have enough in case everyone there (120 plus) people
all order the same dish. I heard that wedding cost over 100 grand.
Ridiculous! It’s one day and yes a special day, but put the money towards
a house or towards your kids future. Or in our case, since we have a
house and aren't having kids, towards week-long trips to Bora Bora or Peru or
Tuscany or wherever!
I hate that people think
a wedding is for them to show and expect you provide a good
time. No, a wedding is about YOU. If they don't enjoy it, then they
don't. Then scratch them off your Christmas card list and find some
friends that enjoy you being you and want so see you smile every day.
Especially on your wedding day.
