The Hours

it's the hour after four and i'm alone again.

because i wanted to be wanted, because i wanted to be warned.

it's the hour after four and you're there again, because you alone were haunted, because you alone were scorned.

it's the hour after four and i cry again, because i can only see a maybe, i can only seem a ghost.

it's the hour after four and i smile again, to those among us only and only you might ask.

it's the hour after four and i wonder still, why you want the lies of others, that you will love unless.

it's the hour after four and i ask again, why you had a question, why your doubts would still insist.

it's the hour after four and i yell again,, because you will not seek a truth, because my hope can fall once more.

it's the hour after four and it seems to never pass, the dawn before the dawns, the thunder before the calm.

it's the hour after four and i ask again, because there was no sky above me, because there were no clouds below.

it's the hour after four and your decision still astounds, as i cannot dream again and i look to you once more.

it's the hour after four, and i wait for you to wake and i wait for nothing still.
it's the hour after four and i wish for only heartache and i wish for nothing more.
it's the hour after four and there is not a triumph, and there is not a grief.
it's the hour after four and know----you do not have to die, to succumb and die alone.

it's the hour after four and i dim my eyes,
as i wanted to be wanted, as i wanted to be known,

it's the hour after four and i.
it's the hour after four.

and it's almost morning, in the hour after four

listen, enough, listen only

Listen to your heartbreak

as I listen to your lies.

Smile though the world can see you,

frown because they do.

The worst thing I ever did saved me
..from the worst thing I ever was.

And if and only if you could see...  the best.

I only scream because I'd rather not sleep.

My thoughts alone, a dream withheld, all of which.  enough. 

So listen only perhaps and listen if you might.

enough. and hear.

Our own fractured jealousies.

Without our own halts of memories.

show me only if you can even speak your own mind.

Yet what mind it is you speak from.

I beg you to accept how crazy I am.

but.., ...

my darling,

I can only surmise.

nothing more

i'd like nothing more than to tell you why i'm scared of the dark

i'd like nothing more

i'd like nothing more than to tell you why i smile while i cry

i'd like nothing more

i'd like nothing more to tell you why it hurts to see you frown

i'd like nothing more

i'd like nothing more than to tell you why i love you so much, why i hate it that you don't

i'd like nothing more.

nothing more, baby, nothing less. to tell you i care.

i'd like nothing more to tell you why i'm scared of the dark.

The apartment

"There's a good airflow"

The apartment listing headed.

Barb and Peter looked at the apartment.

 "Look at the industrial pipes- we love that." 

The realtor nodded and made notes.
"Remember the guy in the white suit?" said Barb. 

Peter winked. "this looks like his place.  Whatever happened to him? That crazy dog?" 

"That crazy wife!" interjected Barb.

Their laughs echoed in the soulless chamber. 

 On the market for only an hour, the place had had several visitors.  Most left with an apology and a quick hand shake. 

 Barb looked at her phone "Ah it's already 5", she said. 

Peter said "when are we supposed to be there?". 

Barb eyed the realtor, who was pacing the room with anxious intent.

 "5.30, but rules can be broken." 

 "I can't believe this place was put on the market", said Peter. 

"Rules can be broken"said Barb.  

The realtor pace again and opened a closet. 

There hung a white suit.  

"Look at her, " "Peter stated. 

"She wrote down what we said".  

Barb sighed. "Rules can be broken."

Standing

I stood and looked at the dour crowds, their smiles fake.

I stood and looked at the grins of liars, their laughter strained.

I stood and looked at secrets not kept, an audience disguised.

I stood and looked at faded reflections, of a beauty once beheld.

I stood and looked at guided tears, at clouded minds.

I stood and looked, I looked at me. And wondered.

That night

I lifted my head and meant it.

Your eyes lowered and you looked to the wall.  “What happened there?” you asked.

“Don’t want to talk about it,” I replied.  “It’s not important”.

“So it had to do with him,” you said. “So it was him.”

“Would you stop with that?” I pled.  “Stop”.  

So many yells, I remember, as I was in San Fran, walking down to the wedding and you screamed aloud, and I cried louder..“What did you want of me and what could you ask of me?” I sobbed. “I failed at both.  I failed at it all”.

I sat and cried as you yelled still.  Until you became still.  I laid down.The drawer of knives was empty that night, as you looked for one,I hid them all. I had hid them first

The Edge

He was standing on the edge. I waited. What else was I to do?  

What else?

I waited still as he looked around, then looked at me.  "It’s not so far down:” he said.  "It’s not so far"

It’s far enough, I thought. 

I stood, I waited.  They arrived, and as he looked at them he spoke only a word:
"until” he said.  

“Until”?  I wondered, as it spoke volumes in my mind.  What game shall we play now? 

 I spoke only a word to him, "now". “Now,” I said.  

He looked at the others who coaxed him towards.  “Now,” I pled.  

He sat as I shred that last piece of being, I went, I stood and I leapt.  “Now,” I said, as I fell.  

“Until when?” he shouted, as I went. Now.

What a cigarette

As we looked at the gal with the contraption, “it's nouveau” she replied.  

So what if she were smoking and so what if we cared?  

I sat silently waiting for what was to begin.  "Maybe they’re late" the gentleman said to my left.  “No," the smoker said, "we are".  

So what? I thought,. We are still here.  

They came and asked one question "how you would feel if you were you caught in the rain” I answered immediately, that I would cheat and go indoors.  

I was answering wrong, because the question the wrong, the question was for them, not for me, and I was wrong.

We’re on our own

We only could think of an outcome - which should be the best?  We wondered?

“Let’s start the noise”, I said.   

And it began, slowly at first, and then it escalated.  

Over and over the noise began.  To which we had no point, to which we had no purpose. 

 But only our own boredom and imagination.  

“Shall I continue?” I asked my friend.  He hesitated, then replied, “What would be the point, other than to disturb the others? 

 “Exactly that,” I responded. So he joined, and the wall fell, as we had hoped, and we ran.  We ran.

The Shooting

And then the shooting started.

I only turned back briefly as I dashed ahead.

Those who fell stayed, those who cared stayed as well.  

I saw the airstrip before me, beyond the bridge.  An ominous beckoning of home and hope yet demise yet desire.

If you make it here you’ll make it anywhere they promised on that bill board..  What liars I thought.  

“What liars!” I screamed aloud.

A man turned and grabbed my arm.  “They said it to you too, huh?”I did not now this man, nor cared to do so.  

The shots continued and I watched him as he fell. Throughout this journey, I admit it was only supposed to be a fantasy.  A cheap, onetime thrill.  But as many things do, it got the better of me.  

I forged ahead, approaching the bridge.  So what if I don’t make? I thought.  At least I made it here.  

The shooting slowed.  The shooting neared.  And I wanted for nothing.

Only Times

Only times

Part of me was never here.

Six years and never a day there.

Six years more and never a moment otherwise.

1 day and a view of the impossible

We hide ourselves, while I smile still.

One limit and one desire

One demand.

One realization and one heartache.

One only.

And yet none because.

Twelve steps and 13 regrets

One stride too many and ten too few.

One glimpse, one glance, one look. Once.

And once only.

Mine, if Ever.

even when you say you can hear and see it --you do not know what you are not listening to.

 

you say that you can view it, yet you cannot see.

you say that my eyes have deceived my touch, but as you touch me I gasp. 

 

as you see me I mask my voice.

 

can you see what is before the listeners.  can you view that feeling.

baby,no you can't.

 but you listen still;

my friend, I say,

are you there.

my friend, I say,

were you here.

perhaps once.

 

my dream per chance could I dream

my ever, if ever

 

mine.

 

if ever