Four Christmases

It's not just a movie, it's Sarah's life. Actually I'll call it 6 Christmases....

Christmas 2008: I was fired. Oh excuse me, terminated. Terminated is such a worse word than fired, because it makes one think of being killed. It's like "Congrats Sarah, you are being executed. Holla. Do you prefer the noose, the chair or the firing squad? Or our all popular concrete shoes alternative?" Just say I'm fired. Then it sounds like I've been put in a kiln and I'm a lovely vase. Or I'm a s'more and roasted over a fire. Nom nom.

So this is the jist- Stupid dean (I say stupid because my parents read this blog and my word for him is a word they don't think I know), never gave me proper instruction on his teaching assistantship that he had for me. I was, apparently, supposed to get him published but didn't know my exact duties as I am not an advertising executive nor a publicist. So after months of asking what to do and receiving no answer, I asked to be reassigned. After not receiving an answer about that, I kept writing and writing and asking what my new duties were, either with him or with my reassigned boss. Heard nothing. Until tonight. 9 f*cking days before Christmas, saying that I had not completed my duties and was being terminated. Uhhhh what duties, Einstein. I asked you a million times to give me an assignment. Either way, I got a good case of which I am sure I am 98% in the right. I'm seeing the human resources people on Friday, so we'll see. The only thing I'm scared about is my tuition remission disappearing.... Oh and the whole thing about not having any money and being homeless.... ugh.

Christmas 2007: My now ex-boyfriend (aka Scalini), in so many words set me up for a crime he committed and I was arrested on December 18, 2007. Wow that was like almost a year ago. He is a lawyer himself and ex-step brother for the DA. So I was carted off, spent $7000 on a lawyer and held in what they call "The Tombs" in lower Manhattan. Holy crap. The Tombs. And it is exactly that. The prison guards not only treat you like crap, but I was kicked, pushed and spat on in a holding cell with 20 other women, most of which were strung out on some narcotic and with no working bathroom. We weren't fed and despite the promise that I'd be out of there within 12 hours it was more like 24. So I went to arraignment and yadda yadda I got out on my own recognizance because the judge realized it was such a BS case. So then I had to spend the next day sending back all his stupid holiday presents before escaping to North Dakota for R&R.

Christmas 2006: I had a job I loved at a place called Seedco and I was really good at my job. But unfortunately they downsized and I was laid off on December 22nd. Merry f-in Christmas Sarah. And sure my Mom and sister came to the city for the holiday, but I was so stressed out I could barely enjoy it, because I couldn't afford it!

Christmas 2005: My first Christmas in NYC. I didn't know anyone and was completely lonely and couldn't see my parents as they'd just moved. Luckily I saw my sisters but it just wasn't the ideal situation. I want Christmas with my whole family again, sisters, nephews, etc and going away somewhere warm!

Christmas 2004: I was in the UK, and despite a kind friend inviting me to spend it with her and her family in East Grinstead outside of London, I always kinda felt that I was imposing. It killed me that I didn't have Christmas with my family that year, especially since it would've been the last Christmas in my old house in Collingswood.

Christmas 2003: The best Christmas I can remember. We went to Baja Principe, Mexico and had a glorious time! Tanya and Lisa got engaged, I spent most of my time with 3 non-English speaking Italian guys and it was just a beautiful, relaxing vacation, especially because I hated my job and had the most horrific flu 3 weeks before.

Now several people have told me that to be around Sarah means to know what the word "drama" means. Well I can't really argue with that. But despite all this drama, I think I've done quite well with what I've been dealt. And sure, people create their own drama sometimes, but it's not just because some people try to look for drama. Sometimes it's just because we don't know what to do and make the wrong decisions. Because things map out because of bad choices. My glorious dad made a lovely statement earlier: "You've pursued things higher and higher. And sometimes the higher you go, the rougher the road gets". Thanks Dad :) I think that's quite true. Just because we're supposed to be older and wiser doesn't mean our decisions get wiser. It just means we can offer stupid advice to people 5 years younger than us regarding parents and friends and boyfriends. But we can make the same wrong choices at the age of 15 and the age of 55. And I guarantee you, I will be.

But hell, it creates interesting blogs right? You can all thank me later. After you include cheques in your Christmas cards.... xx

Escape

Don't worry lambs, I'm not losing it. (I know what you're thinking... "silly sarah, you've lost it already!"..) This is not a bad pessimistic post. It's one of those weird good pessimistic posts.... yes...

So while perusing one of my favoritest websites, Neatorama.com, I came across a posting about Tristan da Cunha. And I want to live there. This place sounds absolutely glorious.

Now I'm sure we have all, at one time (or many times) or another, thought about just picking up and leaving. Just packing all our things, or perhaps nothing at all and just getting out. Maybe telling no one, maybe telling everyone. Maybe leaving to continue our certain profession or dream or maybe leaving to start something completely new. Or maybe leaving and just seeing where the world, the tides and the winds will take us.

So Tristan da Cunha is a little island in the south Atlantic and inhabited by only 270 people. What would I do there? How would I even get there? They only get mail once a year when some random British liner passes by and there's only 1 telephone on the island. My mother would not be happy about that... There's no airport so I'm guessing I'd have to stow away on said British mail ship to get there... What would I do? I don't know.. perhaps become a fisherman. I've seen The Perfect Storm, Jaws and Castaway, I'm sure it can't be that difficult... Perhaps I could be the mayor or the sheriff. Small town like that, I bet it's like Mayberry and I've had my fair share of Andy Griffith Show viewings. Maybe just marry some random local? Well considering there's only 270 people on the island I'm sure there's some inbreeding and stuff goin on so that might not be so hott. .... icky.

So maybe that island is out. What else is there? I'd love to pack up and go to Norway. Travel around, rely on the kindness of strangers and a harmonica. Except the fact that travel in Europe is expensive, while Norweigans are some of the nicest people I've met, no one trusts Americans anymore and I don't own nor have the ability to play a harmonica.

I'd love to backpack around Thailand. Sleep in the mountains of Nepal. Explore the jungles of Cambodia and climb the Pyramids of Egypt. And then I realize that I hate bugs, camping, the heat and manual labor. Still, I'd like at least the option to do these things. I think about escaping to Antartica, to Washington state, to Northestern Canada... To Belgium and Australia, to Chile and to the Netherlands. To do what? I have no idea. Just to get out. Just to be somewhere else.

So what does this all mean? I don't know. A psychologist might say that I am feeling trapped in my current situation and I honestly can't argue with that. I'm trapped at Rutgers until I get a better offer, I'm trapped in New York until I can get the money and opportunity to move, etc etc etc.

I don't even want to analyze it because it just depresses me. Ok... so I lied, this is a bad pessimistic post. Bugger.

I mean it's not like everything is in the crapper. Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, blah blah blah. I've got the end of the swine semester, a nice holiday, a trip to North Dakota and other crap to look forwards to. Right? Sure.

Now you all know that I love TS Eliot. His poems are some of the most insipiring and inquiring that I've ever encountered. Please read them sometime when you get the chance.

"So I ask of you now, am I really that bad?
I ask of you now, was I not worth it at all?
I ask this of you now because I really don't know
I ask this of you now because I can't read your mind.
I can't read your face,
I can't read your eyes and I can't hear your voice.
I ask this of you now because I really must know
I ask this of you now because I need to be told.
I can handle the truth and I can handle the lies.
But I do know the difference and I'll take both with a smile.
I ask this of you now because all I will ask of you,
Is to leave me with a smile."

That's not Eliot, that's me.

comments welcome.
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