Insomnia really sucks. What really sucks even more is that every one has not 2, not 3, but like 25 cents into what causes/extends/cures/solves/prevents it. It’s like with the hiccups. People recommend everything from peanut butter, olive oil, hanging upside down, holding your breath, etc. For my chronic insomnia recently, people have recommended:
1) Chamomile tea
2) Hot baths
3) Smelly candles
4) Dimming lights
5) Soft music
While all of that sounds like the recipe for a really hot date, none of it works in New York City. Here I have clanging heat pipes, sirens, screaming babies, stomping upstairs neighbors and an array of just random noises that I can’t place without driving myself crazy so I just try to ignore them. As a solution I have a white noise machine, a fan and industrial-strength earplugs. (think the kind the airline workers wear on the runway) Although none of that works when the kid next door slams his crib into the wall behind my bed and, thus, my poor skull.
My initial solution to the kiddy problem was to call 311 (NYC services), 911 (the definition of idiocy) and ACS (the people supposedly helping children in the city). However they either didn’t respond or responded 5 hours later and rang my doorbell which either kept me up or woke me up and was a complete backlash to my entire sleep problem. And it wasn’t so much the noise of these stupid neighbors that kept me up, but the fact that they were being inconsiderate. Hey looks like my parents passed something on to me..
So I did the NyQuil cure, the sleeping pill cure, the stay up an extra day and pass out from sheer exhaustion cure.. nothing worked... So now I’m doing the doctor cure. Cross your fingers for some good drugs for Sarah... But while sources for a cure are numerous, I’m wondering what exactly is causing my insomnia so I can prevent it from coming back.
So while searching verified and dignified sources (Wikipedia), I found that the common causes for insomnia are:
1) Psychoactive drugs or stimulants: Don’t do it. That stuff is nasty, seriously. I’m enough of a hypochondriac and far too high-strung without having to worry about seeing pink elephants ice skating.
2) Medications/herbs/caffeine/cocaine: ok.. why are these linked? I had a steak the other day that had basil in it. Isn’t that an herb? And while my mother would hate to know this... I do, once in awhile, have a lot of ... caffeine. I love coffee. Wow...
3) Ephedrine/Amphetamines/methylpenidate/MDMA/methanphetamine and modafinil: the fact that my Microsoft Word targeted all of those words for spell check probably proves that I have no idea what they are.
4) Hormone shifts: uhhh... I’m a female, aren’t I supposed to have these like 3 times an hour? (According to Cosmo and every male in history). Oh this also includes menopause. Oh boy I wish, that’d be awesome. Hey whatever, I’m not having kids...
5) Life problems: my goodness I need to go into further clarification for these
a) Fear: uhh fear of what? I have fear of lots of things: heights, spiders, life problems, being fired, being hired, standing up in a large crowd of people who are sitting, etc
b) Stress: Do you think I’m stressed? If you’re reading this I think you’ve answered my question
c) Emotional or mental tension: ok I think these are two different things. Emotional tension to me is exciting. It’s experiencing conflicting emotions and having to work through things. I like that. Mental tension is different. It’s facing reality and that to me is horribly frightening.
d) Work Problems: Ok I have these too. I hate my boss. My father told me to never use the word hate, so I will get out my thesaurus: I loathe, detest and abhor my boss. He just doesn’t treat anyone with any respect and treats people like they’re stupid. You see, when I make a mistake (and trust me, I make a lot of them), I’m more than willing to admit to it and make up for it. But if you’re going to call me stupid, don’t do so to my face. Do it after I leave your office. Yeah thanks... Jerk.
e) Financial Stress: oh yeah I have this too. I’m poor. And it’s the holidays. And I have to buy presents. That I cannot afford. I’m tempted to change my religion just for the month of December....
f) Unsatisfactory sex life: my mother reads my blog so I’m simply going to say.... what is sex? I don’t understand...
6) Mental disorders: such as bipolar disorder, clinical depression, general anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, or obsessive compulsive disorder........... Yeah I think I got them all. Depends on the day.
7) Disturbances of the circadian rhythm such as shift work and jet lag: I only wish I had jet lag... I’d love to go somewhere 5 hours away... specifically London... Shift work? I think that’s what being a student is...
8) Estrogen: oh I get it. Wikipedia thinks I have insomnia because I’m a woman. Oh that’s nice. I guess I should go eat some chocolate and watch some Kevin Costner movie right now.
9) Brain lesions or traumatic brain injury: Does being a teenager count as having a brain injury? The years from 13-18 were quite traumatic, let me tell you.
10) A rare genetic condition can cause a prion-based, permanent and eventually fatal form of insomnia called fatal familial insomnia: Oh cool I can blame this all on my family? Awesome.. Let’s do that.
11) Parasomnia, including nightmares, sleepwalking or moving in response to events in my dreams: well I definitely have nightmares and I have been known to talk and kick in my sleep, but I’m not sure if it’s in response to a dream. Unlike Brian who I swear is running a marathon in his sleep sometimes. Whatever, I just kick him back
So I guess in the end I’ll never know what causes it. I went to my doctor and got some nice drugs, so we’ll see if those help. My only hope is that I can get through the end of this semester, still enjoy the holidays and do all of that with a smile on my face, or at least the ability to put a smile on someone else’s.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Five, revisited
Five...
That's the number of stages of grief I'm supposed to experience.
1) Denial
2) anger
3) bargaining
4) depression
5) acceptance
Ok let’s start at the beginning. So what ended my relationship? I gotta tell ya, at the core I don’t even know. It seems to be a secret to us all. Maybe we need some cipher or some code in order to let us all in to the big secret.
This is not to say I didn’t screw up. Fine. I did. But is it unforgivable? Especially to someone you love? No. Not whatsoever. So either I wasn’t loved or…. Yeah.. no wait.. that’s it. Gotcha. I fucked up, fine. I admit it. But I really don’t believe it was to the point where it’s not forgivable and forgettable. Not if you truly care about someone and want to make it work. I’ve made and broken promises, yes. I’ve made people walk on eggshells, yes. But not anymore. This is not to say I’m cured or perfect, but I know my mistakes and am vowing not to make them again. Not just for someone else, but for myself.
So let’s go step by step:
1) Denial: I have none. I know what’s what. I’m not saying it doesn’t blow, but I know what the deal is. I’m not saying I’m not sad and wishing it hadn’t happened, but I know what’s going on. I am submissive to my fate, lambs.
2) Anger: I have lots. I’m really fucking bloody angry. Because I am an adult and I consider anyone that I’m in a relationship with to be an adult as well. And to conduct themselves accordingly. And that doesn’t involve not answering a phone or agreeing to have a civilized adult conversation. The last boyfriend I had who refused to answer the phone was when I was fucking 13. Jesus Christ. Yes I’m angry. I hope my mother doesn’t read this because it’ll give her more gray hair than I did when she taught me how to drive.
3) Bargaining: I think this certain one is a bit out of order. To me, bargaining comes first. It’s the whole “please talk to me, oh come on honey” etc etc crap. It’s a pathetic state to be in and completely contradictory to my whole “I’m Sarah, I’m Strong” attitude. It’s like standing at the top of the stairs, tears blurring your eyes, calling out to your parents after they sent you to your room, “can I come down now please?”. It’s making deals “oh I won’t do it again, I swear” etc. That to me came first and I’m done with it. If anyone wanted to bargain with me, they’d have done it already. And additionally I don’t think that break ups/make ups should be about bargains. While relationships are certainly give and take, I don’t think it should be about giving something up just for the sake of the other person, just for the sake of getting them back. You shouldn’t change or sacrifice anything about yourself for another.
4) Depression: Ok this one is also out of order. Depression is the umbrella term for all this shit. Depression happens throughout every one of these steps. And it will continue for a long time even after all these steps have been tapped out.
5) Acceptance: Ok this one is a weird one. It hits people at different times, in different ways or perhaps not at all. I will never accept my so-called fate. If I had, ever, then I’d never be where I was now in life. Acceptance is the wrong word for it all. Do I “accept” that the relationship is over? That’s not even my call. That’s just the fact. I guess a better phrase for it is “coming to terms”.
And there’s a 6th stage of grief I’d like to offer: Hope.
6) Hope: Hope not only in that what was messed up can be fixed, what was ruined can be repaired, but hope that you can move on and be happy and that this isn’t the end of the frigging world even though it feels like that right now.
I just feel that when you find someone that you have so much in common with and passion with, that you’ve not ever had with anyone else, that everything else can fall into line and work. And I really really believe that. Sure you’re going to have hiccups here and there and problems and arguments. Because everyone argues and no one is perfect. Relationships are about compromise and realizing that everything can’t be your way. That the idea in your head of a perfect relationship is not a reality and will not happen, so you might as well realize it. What you can do is accept the picture the way it is. It’s out of focus and everyone has those little red dots in their eyes, but at the root, it’s the two of you in the picture and you’re hugging. The rest doesn’t matter. Love is what matters and love is about accepting other people’s faults and accepting and admitting your own faults. It’s about compromise and bending on some issues while remaining firm on others. It’s about knowing that nothing will turn out like it does in your head or in the movies, but that’s ok just the same. Take it for what it is, accept it for what it is and love it for what it is. You have one chance here and one chance (in my opinion) to find the right person. Not the perfect person, but the right person.
Maybe you’ve already found that person. Maybe you ruined it, maybe you let it go, maybe you never even realized it. If you did those things, try again. Make an attempt. Reach out. You should have no regrets.
So the stages of grief, for me, are different in relationships than in other circumstances. I mean they apply the same stages to people who have a death of a loved one and those who have incurable diseases , etc. Oh come on, none of that is nearly as painful as the end of the relationship. Geez. (I’m being facetious, please don’t call my mom..)
My stages of grief:
1) Bargaining – “C’mon baby, you know it’ll be ok, I swear. Let’s just take a trip into the country and rediscover each other”
2) Anger – “Well fuck you then, you weren’t good enough for me you sadass uptight moron”
3) Despair- “oh great now that I cursed him out he’ll never take me back even if he wants to… oh lord I’m going to be alone forever, what the hell have I done?!?!”
4) Nom-nom- “Food”
5) Boo-hoo- “Crying”
6) Body Check – “I’m going to exercise my ass off, literally. I can’t get a man looking the way I do, I let myself go after dating Mr. Burger/Pizza/Beer drinker…”
7) Sarcasm- “psshh I got asked out by a guy on the subway… oh I’m workin’ it.. I never needed that loser anyway.. I’m a hot piece… oh yeah” (and you look at yourself in your underwear in your mirror, yeah that’s right)
8) Reality-check- “that subway guy was a total pervert, what the hell was I thinking? Of course he wasn’t really interested in me, he just noticed I was vulnerable” (put on your flannel plaid pajamas)
9) Double reality check – “Ok this is the way it is. Now what are you going to do?”
10) Hope- “Even if this is it, it’s ok. Maybe it’ll work out, but at the end of the day, there are more monkeys in the zoo”. (believe me, men are monkeys, not fish)
So what’s the key in relationships? I’ve asked so many people and the one word I get is that friggin dreaded “Communication”. I hate that word. But it’s true. Maybe that’s the one acceptance people need to have. You need to talk about problems and hear the other person’s problems, even if you don’t want to. Don’t roll your eyes, don’t sigh loudly. Hear the other person’s views, even if you think they’re ridiculous. That’s what love is about. Sure if it’s the millionth time and you have yet to calm that person’s fears, then maybe it’s their problem more than yours, but maybe you should at least try to assure people. I know that I am entirely less secure in relationships than 99.9% of the population, which I blame on stupid high school boyfriends and my last relationship. But I also blame it on myself. My trust has been lacking and I have been suspicious and accusatory. And I regret that and I have faced it. I’ve faced it therapeutically and medicinally. Yes I admit it.
So what do I say to the world of relationships? Bring it. Yeah I’m getting’ all ghetto.. But bring it, I’m ready for it. Even if I’ve exhausted all of my previous resources, there are monkeys ready to point and laugh at me and I can’t wait.
Oh god I’ve become an optimist. Please, don’t tell my mother.
That's the number of stages of grief I'm supposed to experience.
1) Denial
2) anger
3) bargaining
4) depression
5) acceptance
Ok let’s start at the beginning. So what ended my relationship? I gotta tell ya, at the core I don’t even know. It seems to be a secret to us all. Maybe we need some cipher or some code in order to let us all in to the big secret.
This is not to say I didn’t screw up. Fine. I did. But is it unforgivable? Especially to someone you love? No. Not whatsoever. So either I wasn’t loved or…. Yeah.. no wait.. that’s it. Gotcha. I fucked up, fine. I admit it. But I really don’t believe it was to the point where it’s not forgivable and forgettable. Not if you truly care about someone and want to make it work. I’ve made and broken promises, yes. I’ve made people walk on eggshells, yes. But not anymore. This is not to say I’m cured or perfect, but I know my mistakes and am vowing not to make them again. Not just for someone else, but for myself.
So let’s go step by step:
1) Denial: I have none. I know what’s what. I’m not saying it doesn’t blow, but I know what the deal is. I’m not saying I’m not sad and wishing it hadn’t happened, but I know what’s going on. I am submissive to my fate, lambs.
2) Anger: I have lots. I’m really fucking bloody angry. Because I am an adult and I consider anyone that I’m in a relationship with to be an adult as well. And to conduct themselves accordingly. And that doesn’t involve not answering a phone or agreeing to have a civilized adult conversation. The last boyfriend I had who refused to answer the phone was when I was fucking 13. Jesus Christ. Yes I’m angry. I hope my mother doesn’t read this because it’ll give her more gray hair than I did when she taught me how to drive.
3) Bargaining: I think this certain one is a bit out of order. To me, bargaining comes first. It’s the whole “please talk to me, oh come on honey” etc etc crap. It’s a pathetic state to be in and completely contradictory to my whole “I’m Sarah, I’m Strong” attitude. It’s like standing at the top of the stairs, tears blurring your eyes, calling out to your parents after they sent you to your room, “can I come down now please?”. It’s making deals “oh I won’t do it again, I swear” etc. That to me came first and I’m done with it. If anyone wanted to bargain with me, they’d have done it already. And additionally I don’t think that break ups/make ups should be about bargains. While relationships are certainly give and take, I don’t think it should be about giving something up just for the sake of the other person, just for the sake of getting them back. You shouldn’t change or sacrifice anything about yourself for another.
4) Depression: Ok this one is also out of order. Depression is the umbrella term for all this shit. Depression happens throughout every one of these steps. And it will continue for a long time even after all these steps have been tapped out.
5) Acceptance: Ok this one is a weird one. It hits people at different times, in different ways or perhaps not at all. I will never accept my so-called fate. If I had, ever, then I’d never be where I was now in life. Acceptance is the wrong word for it all. Do I “accept” that the relationship is over? That’s not even my call. That’s just the fact. I guess a better phrase for it is “coming to terms”.
And there’s a 6th stage of grief I’d like to offer: Hope.
6) Hope: Hope not only in that what was messed up can be fixed, what was ruined can be repaired, but hope that you can move on and be happy and that this isn’t the end of the frigging world even though it feels like that right now.
I just feel that when you find someone that you have so much in common with and passion with, that you’ve not ever had with anyone else, that everything else can fall into line and work. And I really really believe that. Sure you’re going to have hiccups here and there and problems and arguments. Because everyone argues and no one is perfect. Relationships are about compromise and realizing that everything can’t be your way. That the idea in your head of a perfect relationship is not a reality and will not happen, so you might as well realize it. What you can do is accept the picture the way it is. It’s out of focus and everyone has those little red dots in their eyes, but at the root, it’s the two of you in the picture and you’re hugging. The rest doesn’t matter. Love is what matters and love is about accepting other people’s faults and accepting and admitting your own faults. It’s about compromise and bending on some issues while remaining firm on others. It’s about knowing that nothing will turn out like it does in your head or in the movies, but that’s ok just the same. Take it for what it is, accept it for what it is and love it for what it is. You have one chance here and one chance (in my opinion) to find the right person. Not the perfect person, but the right person.
Maybe you’ve already found that person. Maybe you ruined it, maybe you let it go, maybe you never even realized it. If you did those things, try again. Make an attempt. Reach out. You should have no regrets.
So the stages of grief, for me, are different in relationships than in other circumstances. I mean they apply the same stages to people who have a death of a loved one and those who have incurable diseases , etc. Oh come on, none of that is nearly as painful as the end of the relationship. Geez. (I’m being facetious, please don’t call my mom..)
My stages of grief:
1) Bargaining – “C’mon baby, you know it’ll be ok, I swear. Let’s just take a trip into the country and rediscover each other”
2) Anger – “Well fuck you then, you weren’t good enough for me you sadass uptight moron”
3) Despair- “oh great now that I cursed him out he’ll never take me back even if he wants to… oh lord I’m going to be alone forever, what the hell have I done?!?!”
4) Nom-nom- “Food”
5) Boo-hoo- “Crying”
6) Body Check – “I’m going to exercise my ass off, literally. I can’t get a man looking the way I do, I let myself go after dating Mr. Burger/Pizza/Beer drinker…”
7) Sarcasm- “psshh I got asked out by a guy on the subway… oh I’m workin’ it.. I never needed that loser anyway.. I’m a hot piece… oh yeah” (and you look at yourself in your underwear in your mirror, yeah that’s right)
8) Reality-check- “that subway guy was a total pervert, what the hell was I thinking? Of course he wasn’t really interested in me, he just noticed I was vulnerable” (put on your flannel plaid pajamas)
9) Double reality check – “Ok this is the way it is. Now what are you going to do?”
10) Hope- “Even if this is it, it’s ok. Maybe it’ll work out, but at the end of the day, there are more monkeys in the zoo”. (believe me, men are monkeys, not fish)
So what’s the key in relationships? I’ve asked so many people and the one word I get is that friggin dreaded “Communication”. I hate that word. But it’s true. Maybe that’s the one acceptance people need to have. You need to talk about problems and hear the other person’s problems, even if you don’t want to. Don’t roll your eyes, don’t sigh loudly. Hear the other person’s views, even if you think they’re ridiculous. That’s what love is about. Sure if it’s the millionth time and you have yet to calm that person’s fears, then maybe it’s their problem more than yours, but maybe you should at least try to assure people. I know that I am entirely less secure in relationships than 99.9% of the population, which I blame on stupid high school boyfriends and my last relationship. But I also blame it on myself. My trust has been lacking and I have been suspicious and accusatory. And I regret that and I have faced it. I’ve faced it therapeutically and medicinally. Yes I admit it.
So what do I say to the world of relationships? Bring it. Yeah I’m getting’ all ghetto.. But bring it, I’m ready for it. Even if I’ve exhausted all of my previous resources, there are monkeys ready to point and laugh at me and I can’t wait.
Oh god I’ve become an optimist. Please, don’t tell my mother.
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