Insomnia

Insomnia really sucks. What really sucks even more is that every one has not 2, not 3, but like 25 cents into what causes/extends/cures/solves/prevents it. It’s like with the hiccups. People recommend everything from peanut butter, olive oil, hanging upside down, holding your breath, etc. For my chronic insomnia recently, people have recommended:

1) Chamomile tea
2) Hot baths
3) Smelly candles
4) Dimming lights
5) Soft music

While all of that sounds like the recipe for a really hot date, none of it works in New York City. Here I have clanging heat pipes, sirens, screaming babies, stomping upstairs neighbors and an array of just random noises that I can’t place without driving myself crazy so I just try to ignore them. As a solution I have a white noise machine, a fan and industrial-strength earplugs. (think the kind the airline workers wear on the runway) Although none of that works when the kid next door slams his crib into the wall behind my bed and, thus, my poor skull.

My initial solution to the kiddy problem was to call 311 (NYC services), 911 (the definition of idiocy) and ACS (the people supposedly helping children in the city). However they either didn’t respond or responded 5 hours later and rang my doorbell which either kept me up or woke me up and was a complete backlash to my entire sleep problem. And it wasn’t so much the noise of these stupid neighbors that kept me up, but the fact that they were being inconsiderate. Hey looks like my parents passed something on to me..

So I did the NyQuil cure, the sleeping pill cure, the stay up an extra day and pass out from sheer exhaustion cure.. nothing worked... So now I’m doing the doctor cure. Cross your fingers for some good drugs for Sarah... But while sources for a cure are numerous, I’m wondering what exactly is causing my insomnia so I can prevent it from coming back.

So while searching verified and dignified sources (Wikipedia), I found that the common causes for insomnia are:

1) Psychoactive drugs or stimulants: Don’t do it. That stuff is nasty, seriously. I’m enough of a hypochondriac and far too high-strung without having to worry about seeing pink elephants ice skating.

2) Medications/herbs/caffeine/cocaine: ok.. why are these linked? I had a steak the other day that had basil in it. Isn’t that an herb? And while my mother would hate to know this... I do, once in awhile, have a lot of ... caffeine. I love coffee. Wow...

3) Ephedrine/Amphetamines/methylpenidate/MDMA/methanphetamine and modafinil: the fact that my Microsoft Word targeted all of those words for spell check probably proves that I have no idea what they are.

4) Hormone shifts: uhhh... I’m a female, aren’t I supposed to have these like 3 times an hour? (According to Cosmo and every male in history). Oh this also includes menopause. Oh boy I wish, that’d be awesome. Hey whatever, I’m not having kids...

5) Life problems: my goodness I need to go into further clarification for these
a) Fear: uhh fear of what? I have fear of lots of things: heights, spiders, life problems, being fired, being hired, standing up in a large crowd of people who are sitting, etc
b) Stress: Do you think I’m stressed? If you’re reading this I think you’ve answered my question
c) Emotional or mental tension: ok I think these are two different things. Emotional tension to me is exciting. It’s experiencing conflicting emotions and having to work through things. I like that. Mental tension is different. It’s facing reality and that to me is horribly frightening.
d) Work Problems: Ok I have these too. I hate my boss. My father told me to never use the word hate, so I will get out my thesaurus: I loathe, detest and abhor my boss. He just doesn’t treat anyone with any respect and treats people like they’re stupid. You see, when I make a mistake (and trust me, I make a lot of them), I’m more than willing to admit to it and make up for it. But if you’re going to call me stupid, don’t do so to my face. Do it after I leave your office. Yeah thanks... Jerk.
e) Financial Stress: oh yeah I have this too. I’m poor. And it’s the holidays. And I have to buy presents. That I cannot afford. I’m tempted to change my religion just for the month of December....
f) Unsatisfactory sex life: my mother reads my blog so I’m simply going to say.... what is sex? I don’t understand...

6) Mental disorders: such as bipolar disorder, clinical depression, general anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, or obsessive compulsive disorder........... Yeah I think I got them all. Depends on the day.

7) Disturbances of the circadian rhythm such as shift work and jet lag: I only wish I had jet lag... I’d love to go somewhere 5 hours away... specifically London... Shift work? I think that’s what being a student is...

8) Estrogen: oh I get it. Wikipedia thinks I have insomnia because I’m a woman. Oh that’s nice. I guess I should go eat some chocolate and watch some Kevin Costner movie right now.

9) Brain lesions or traumatic brain injury: Does being a teenager count as having a brain injury? The years from 13-18 were quite traumatic, let me tell you.

10) A rare genetic condition can cause a prion-based, permanent and eventually fatal form of insomnia called fatal familial insomnia: Oh cool I can blame this all on my family? Awesome.. Let’s do that.

11) Parasomnia, including nightmares, sleepwalking or moving in response to events in my dreams: well I definitely have nightmares and I have been known to talk and kick in my sleep, but I’m not sure if it’s in response to a dream. Unlike Brian who I swear is running a marathon in his sleep sometimes. Whatever, I just kick him back

So I guess in the end I’ll never know what causes it. I went to my doctor and got some nice drugs, so we’ll see if those help. My only hope is that I can get through the end of this semester, still enjoy the holidays and do all of that with a smile on my face, or at least the ability to put a smile on someone else’s.