Five, revisited

Five...
That's the number of stages of grief I'm supposed to experience.

1) Denial
2) anger
3) bargaining
4) depression
5) acceptance

Ok let’s start at the beginning. So what ended my relationship? I gotta tell ya, at the core I don’t even know. It seems to be a secret to us all. Maybe we need some cipher or some code in order to let us all in to the big secret.

This is not to say I didn’t screw up. Fine. I did. But is it unforgivable? Especially to someone you love? No. Not whatsoever. So either I wasn’t loved or…. Yeah.. no wait.. that’s it. Gotcha. I fucked up, fine. I admit it. But I really don’t believe it was to the point where it’s not forgivable and forgettable. Not if you truly care about someone and want to make it work. I’ve made and broken promises, yes. I’ve made people walk on eggshells, yes. But not anymore. This is not to say I’m cured or perfect, but I know my mistakes and am vowing not to make them again. Not just for someone else, but for myself.

So let’s go step by step:

1) Denial: I have none. I know what’s what. I’m not saying it doesn’t blow, but I know what the deal is. I’m not saying I’m not sad and wishing it hadn’t happened, but I know what’s going on. I am submissive to my fate, lambs.

2) Anger: I have lots. I’m really fucking bloody angry. Because I am an adult and I consider anyone that I’m in a relationship with to be an adult as well. And to conduct themselves accordingly. And that doesn’t involve not answering a phone or agreeing to have a civilized adult conversation. The last boyfriend I had who refused to answer the phone was when I was fucking 13. Jesus Christ. Yes I’m angry. I hope my mother doesn’t read this because it’ll give her more gray hair than I did when she taught me how to drive.

3) Bargaining: I think this certain one is a bit out of order. To me, bargaining comes first. It’s the whole “please talk to me, oh come on honey” etc etc crap. It’s a pathetic state to be in and completely contradictory to my whole “I’m Sarah, I’m Strong” attitude. It’s like standing at the top of the stairs, tears blurring your eyes, calling out to your parents after they sent you to your room, “can I come down now please?”. It’s making deals “oh I won’t do it again, I swear” etc. That to me came first and I’m done with it. If anyone wanted to bargain with me, they’d have done it already. And additionally I don’t think that break ups/make ups should be about bargains. While relationships are certainly give and take, I don’t think it should be about giving something up just for the sake of the other person, just for the sake of getting them back. You shouldn’t change or sacrifice anything about yourself for another.

4) Depression: Ok this one is also out of order. Depression is the umbrella term for all this shit. Depression happens throughout every one of these steps. And it will continue for a long time even after all these steps have been tapped out.

5) Acceptance: Ok this one is a weird one. It hits people at different times, in different ways or perhaps not at all. I will never accept my so-called fate. If I had, ever, then I’d never be where I was now in life. Acceptance is the wrong word for it all. Do I “accept” that the relationship is over? That’s not even my call. That’s just the fact. I guess a better phrase for it is “coming to terms”.

And there’s a 6th stage of grief I’d like to offer: Hope.

6) Hope: Hope not only in that what was messed up can be fixed, what was ruined can be repaired, but hope that you can move on and be happy and that this isn’t the end of the frigging world even though it feels like that right now.

I just feel that when you find someone that you have so much in common with and passion with, that you’ve not ever had with anyone else, that everything else can fall into line and work. And I really really believe that. Sure you’re going to have hiccups here and there and problems and arguments. Because everyone argues and no one is perfect. Relationships are about compromise and realizing that everything can’t be your way. That the idea in your head of a perfect relationship is not a reality and will not happen, so you might as well realize it. What you can do is accept the picture the way it is. It’s out of focus and everyone has those little red dots in their eyes, but at the root, it’s the two of you in the picture and you’re hugging. The rest doesn’t matter. Love is what matters and love is about accepting other people’s faults and accepting and admitting your own faults. It’s about compromise and bending on some issues while remaining firm on others. It’s about knowing that nothing will turn out like it does in your head or in the movies, but that’s ok just the same. Take it for what it is, accept it for what it is and love it for what it is. You have one chance here and one chance (in my opinion) to find the right person. Not the perfect person, but the right person.

Maybe you’ve already found that person. Maybe you ruined it, maybe you let it go, maybe you never even realized it. If you did those things, try again. Make an attempt. Reach out. You should have no regrets.

So the stages of grief, for me, are different in relationships than in other circumstances. I mean they apply the same stages to people who have a death of a loved one and those who have incurable diseases , etc. Oh come on, none of that is nearly as painful as the end of the relationship. Geez. (I’m being facetious, please don’t call my mom..)

My stages of grief:
1) Bargaining – “C’mon baby, you know it’ll be ok, I swear. Let’s just take a trip into the country and rediscover each other”

2) Anger – “Well fuck you then, you weren’t good enough for me you sadass uptight moron”

3) Despair- “oh great now that I cursed him out he’ll never take me back even if he wants to… oh lord I’m going to be alone forever, what the hell have I done?!?!”

4) Nom-nom- “Food”

5) Boo-hoo- “Crying”

6) Body Check – “I’m going to exercise my ass off, literally. I can’t get a man looking the way I do, I let myself go after dating Mr. Burger/Pizza/Beer drinker…”

7) Sarcasm- “psshh I got asked out by a guy on the subway… oh I’m workin’ it.. I never needed that loser anyway.. I’m a hot piece… oh yeah” (and you look at yourself in your underwear in your mirror, yeah that’s right)

8) Reality-check- “that subway guy was a total pervert, what the hell was I thinking? Of course he wasn’t really interested in me, he just noticed I was vulnerable” (put on your flannel plaid pajamas)

9) Double reality check – “Ok this is the way it is. Now what are you going to do?”

10) Hope- “Even if this is it, it’s ok. Maybe it’ll work out, but at the end of the day, there are more monkeys in the zoo”. (believe me, men are monkeys, not fish)

So what’s the key in relationships? I’ve asked so many people and the one word I get is that friggin dreaded “Communication”. I hate that word. But it’s true. Maybe that’s the one acceptance people need to have. You need to talk about problems and hear the other person’s problems, even if you don’t want to. Don’t roll your eyes, don’t sigh loudly. Hear the other person’s views, even if you think they’re ridiculous. That’s what love is about. Sure if it’s the millionth time and you have yet to calm that person’s fears, then maybe it’s their problem more than yours, but maybe you should at least try to assure people. I know that I am entirely less secure in relationships than 99.9% of the population, which I blame on stupid high school boyfriends and my last relationship. But I also blame it on myself. My trust has been lacking and I have been suspicious and accusatory. And I regret that and I have faced it. I’ve faced it therapeutically and medicinally. Yes I admit it.

So what do I say to the world of relationships? Bring it. Yeah I’m getting’ all ghetto.. But bring it, I’m ready for it. Even if I’ve exhausted all of my previous resources, there are monkeys ready to point and laugh at me and I can’t wait.

Oh god I’ve become an optimist. Please, don’t tell my mother.