Crunk N Junk

Oh hai readers. My blog has gotten, officially, 300 hits. Fantastic! Should start my own magazine. Will call it Jerseynomics.So I'm really starting to detest my job. I didn't realize the extreme political culture within the non-profit, non-governmental and, um, non-political organization that I'm apparently working for. It's such an inbred totalitarian dictatorship of who knows whom and, thus, who gets away with what.

So it turns out that F is related to J who is related to A who is related to D who is best buds with B and they all go to the same church and their kids all go to the same schools. Hell they talk about separation of church and state- what about separation of church and workplace??So it's all a clusterfuck of religion, PTA and some bizarre link to Panama. I love it- it's so 1960s...So F despises me because she barged into my office once and I had my headphones in and didn't take them out. I turned the music off when she came in, so it wasn't like I was blasting my Marilyn Manson or Bach or whatever I was listening to that day. But she got all offended and went to the CEO about it. Nice. And then she barged into my office again last week, demanding that I sign something. Now, dears, I don't just sign stuff without reading it first. Why? Because I'm familiar with the works of Goethe. Faust, anyone? So the fact that I paused to read it apparently set this woman off and she went and complained about me.

Now, I understand women, which is why I'm not friends with any of them. Women sometimes just target someone to be a bitch to, and do so ad nauseum. I know I do it and I know you do it too, don't lie. So apparently I am F's target here. I have my own targets- but I have reasons at least. Like the dummy who was lifting weights in the gym and decided to change exercises without seeing who was around him and slammed me in the arm with a 25 pound weight as I was walking by. Not hot. So he is my target. I don't actively seek out opportunities to make this person miserable however, I just glare at him every once in awhile, to remind him that he is stupid. He's one of those guys that checks out his abs in the mirror at the gym and dances to his own iPod music.Yeah...

So anyway, I was called into the COO's office because F complained about me. My COO said the following: "It has come to my attention that on many occasions, you don't seem to know how to talk to people. Now I know that you are shy and don't normally interact with people, so perhaps your communication skills are sub-par".

What the FUCK? Ok that entire paragraph just pissed me off.

Let's take this step-by-step:

1) "It has come to my attention that on many occasions".. -- what many occasions? The only problems I've been aware of were the headphones incident and signing my soul to the devil. Wouldn't those qualify as only a couple, or, if you want to be trivial, a 'few' occasions? I would hardly call them 'many'.

2) "You don't seem to know how to talk to people".. -- I know how to talk to people. It's not hard. You open your mouth and sounds come out and you form those sounds in to words, right? I think so... Let me consult the dictionary on what it is to 'talk'... ok I'm right. Yes, I do know how to talk. And thus, I know how to talk to people, as I rarely talk to inanimate objects (other than my computer) and only once in awhile do I talk to myself.

3) "Now I know that you are shy".. -- What? Do you even know me? I've had my time to be shy- it was called middle school. I think anyone who knows me, or hell, anyone who doesn't know me and just hears me, realizes that I'm not shy. Just because I don't go drinking with my co-workers doesn't mean I'm shy. It means I don't like my co-workers.

4) "And don't normally interact with people" .. -- Um my entire job is interacting with people. You can't really handle money without dealing with people who give it to you. I don't interact with my co-workers though, other than my finance department which consists of 4 people. Why? Because I don't like my co-workers.

5) "So perhaps your communication skills are sub-par".. -- perhaps yes.. However I consider myself to be quite articulate and more than able to get across the point I'm trying to make. That's called communication, right? In fact, however, communication can be any number of things. It can be hand motions, like flipping somone off or using sign language. It can be a wink or a glare or an eye roll. It can be a smirk or sticking your tongue out at someone, etc. So who is my boss to be telling me I don't know how to communicate? I can flip people off like it's nobody's business. My conclusion to the aforementioned events is that F is just a sad ass bitch who has targeted me because she's a lonely miserable person.

For those of you who aren't sure about my referencing of Faust, the story is as follows:Goethe wrote, in 1808, the story of Faust. The character was based either on Johann Faust or on a character in Cenodoxus- a work by Jakob Bidermann. The quick summary of the story is that the devil bets god that he can make Faust (a good guy) go bad. The devil would do anything Faust wanted up here and Faust would serve the devil once he went to hell. Sounds like a shitty deal, I don't know why he took it... The real Faust was a magician and alchemist. Hmm doesn't that kinda sound like he was a pickpocket and a drug dealer? Does to me.. Now he doesn't seem to have made any pacts with the devil, so it seems that Goethe only used his name and his demeanor rather than writing about a specific incident. Faust in real life wasn't a nice guy though; he tricked a chaplain into shaving with arsenic so his face peeled off. It's so Hieronymus Bosch. I love it.

So Faust signed his soul away. This was not something I would do, hence my feeling it was necessary to read the document before signing it. It's not beligerence, it's being responsible. Now I'm not the most responsible person I know. I lose pretty much everything and I don't balance a checkbook. I just know if the check is going to clear or not. (although sometimes this requires praying). I work with money but I don't know how to really deal with it or invest. I don't have multiple portfolios of stuff and I don't play the stock market. I don't even play the lottery (well except for this big powerball one that was a couple weeks ago). I have no idea what a hedge fund or a junk bond is. Well, I kinda do. I know a hedge fund is something you only get into if you know you're going to get a payout and a junk bond is probably the opposite?

Let's look it up. I have a book called Barron's Dictionary of Finance and Investment Terms. It was on sale and I bought it as my "look smart in the subway" books. We all have them. I see some of the dumbest losers on the subway carrying calculus books and reading Dr. Zhivago. You know they don't understand a word of that. It's all about impressing people. My book recently was Third World Economics. I understood a good amount of it though. ..well, the title at least.
Ok, a hedge fund is: ahh shit there's like a 4 page definition. Well you can take a long or short position, which refers to the amount of time you have the fund. They take large risks but have potentially large payouts. Ok I'm not reading anymore.

A junk bond is: a bond with a bad credit rating. Wait, bonds have credit ratings? Do they apply for mortgages or something? Can they go to that FreeCreditReport.com and get their credit score? How can they do that though? They don't have fingers, how do they type? I'm confused. Oh and they're also called 'Fallen Angels'. I love it; it's so Guns n Roses.

My co-workers aren't all that bad in general though. I guess. Polish-girl-who-steals-my-intern has been getting on my nerves less. She still steals my intern though. She always carries around a bottle of Canada Dry ginger ale. You know what? I doubt there's ginger ale in it... No one likes ginger ale that much. She's probably carrying crunk juice or something up in there. Nice.