Parlement of Foules

So today is Valentines Day. Or as my co-worker from Panama pronounces it, Balentimes Day. Love the accent :)

At the gym yesterday, I witnessed various musings from various meatheads about the holiday. Some just spouted on and on about how it's a Hallmark holiday and stupid. Without even asking, one can tell that these men are either a) single or b) with someone and miserable AND in either case, c) have had to go out of their way at least once in their life on Valentine's Day and either were told that they screwed up or didn't get any.

Some people didn't even know the holiday was tomorrow. Some knew and said that they'd been with someone long enough to where they didn't do anything anymore. I personally find that sad. Why should the romance die just because you're together for awhile? Some were happy because they knew they were going to get lucky, some of them for the first time in months. Again, sad.

Some asked me for ideas. I have never celebrated this holiday before. Last year, I was "on a break" when the dreaded day approached, so it wasn't even acknowledged. So I was the last person these people should have been asking advice from. Not that that stopped me from giving it...

I'm a non-traditional person. I don't think you should give flowers and chocolates. I don't think you should have some dorky violinist at an Italian restaurant come up and play 'That's Amore'. I friggin hate that song and now I have it in my head. Crap. I don't think you should give a fuzzy wuzzy bear holding a heart that says "I Wuv U". I don't think you should go to CVS and pick up some oversized Hallmark card that talks about your destiny and your soul and how this person and you are meant to be, always and forever xoxo. My advice to all these forelorn and unfortunate men was to actually put some thought into it and do something original. Fine, going out to dinner is cool, but I think that's where the cliche-ness should end. I recommended a helicopter ride to one guy, who refused because he has sensitive ears. The holiday is not about you, my pet. It's about her. Geez. Not that I think that's the way it should be. At work, already today, every non-single woman has been asked "Oh why hasn't your boyfriend/husband/baby daddy/pimp gotten you flowers?". Well, what about the guys? Not that I'd send flowers to a guy, but I think it's stupid that people assume the holiday is only for women. Equality is the way to be.

That, however, doesn't reign true in gift giving. I love the hypocrisy of it all. It's perfectly ok to get a guy an electric shaver, but if you buy a women anything with an extension cord you'll find yourself in the doghouse. There are similarities though- don't buy eachother clothes, underwear of any sorts and don't give gift certificates. And the WORST is those sadass coupons "Good for one back rub". Oh please. I, for one, refuse any gift for any holiday that is featured in a store display. I never wanted a bike for Christmas, chocolates for Valentine's, clothes for my birthday, candy for Easter, a flag for Flag Day or sweets for Halloween. I don't eat turkey at Thanksgiving and for Arbor Day I go around kicking trees. Don't even get me started on July 4th.. If I am ever presented with candy canes, candy hearts, candy necklaces or those nasty marshmallow Peeps, I go to the roof of tall buildings and throw them at people. And some of those candy canes can cause some friggin damage, let me tell you. If you really want to get me something consumable, buy me coffee. But not a coffee maker because then I'll rip your arm off.

My complete dismissal of this holiday didn't just come from my perpetual singledom during the month of February. Growing up my parents never really celebrated it. My dad thought he could get away with getting my mom a joint birthday/Valentine's gift. It didn't work. Sometimes he forgot and then would run out and grab some stupid mushy card, sign his name and present it to her with a box of those nasty Russell Stover chocolates. Yeah those were fun nights for all. The only time he ever went all out was when my mom decided that she wanted an engagement ring. No, I'm not a bastard child. My parents were married when they had me, but they were dirt poor when they got engaged so my mom never got a ring. So hints were dropped starting in October. And dropped. And dropped. My dad just didn't get it. It was cute. My mom would leave Zales catalogs earmarked out on the counter. She'd comment very loudly about other people's jewelry and how gorgeous it was. When one of those Diamonds are Forever commercials came on, she'd force herself to cry and talk about how sweet love is when you have an expensive carbonized piece of coal weighing down your hand. (ok so I'm exaggerating a ta.. ) My dad just didn't get it. I was finally pulled into the mess in late January of that year when I was told to sit the poor man down, open a catalog, point to a ring and say "Buy this for mother.".... He didn't get it. I had to literally take my bewildered father by the hand, drive him to Macy's and pick out the ring with him. Then he turned cheapskate and decided that he'd go down half a carat in order to save. No, dad. No. But it was his wallet and his decision, and ultimately his sanity. My mom totally knew though and she ended up taking the ring back and having the diamond upgraded. I remember when she received it, squealing in delight, even though she totally knew she was getting it. What's the fun in that? Ha and now she barely even wears it. Nice.

I don't, however, think it's a Hallmark holiday. I think I'm part of a minority in that sense, but I don't think card companies have the ability to create a holiday. I definitely think they have the potential to exploit it, but I think the nitty-gritty of the holiday is pure and I think that should be celebrated. (I'm not becoming some optimistic schmuck though, don't worry lambs). I would rather celebrate it doing something that both people loved doing rather than going out and buying everything pink and red you can get your paws on. I think you can have just as good of a holiday without spending a dime. Take a walk in the park, watch a silly movie, do something physical and down and dirty together... yeahhhh... like gardening or cleaning out the basement. nazty.

Forbes magazine wrote that the average person spends $123 on Valentine's gifts. That doesn't include dinner or copious amounts of alcohol. I find that ridiculous. I think the only time a gift of such expense should be bought for February 14th is if you are proposing to someone or buying something for me. So yes I think it's a real shame that Hallmark capitalized on the whole thing, because if you look at the roots, you realize how nice it can actually be....

Let's look at the origins of the holiday. It has been celebrated since the times of Chaucer as a day of romantic love. And that was back when it was all Medieval and stuff. That was real love. Pillaging and forced marriages. That was the good stuff. Grab me by the hair and take me to the friar. Hott. Some scholars believe that it actually pertains to Greek/Roman fertility festivals, but I don't know about that.. Especially as during their festivities, they would actually whip women in the face, drawing blood because it was supposed to boost fertility. I fucking love it. That's some hot shit. But I don't see how that translates to a holiday about love. Since when does fertility have to do with love? If you ask me, fertility has to do with either the desire to trip over Tonka trucks in the middle of the night while doing a 2am feeding or too many drinks and a lack of self control. Then again, love seems to have everything to do with that too sometimes...
Chaucer wrote the Parlement of Foules in 1382 which was the first ever written mention of Valentine's Day. St. Valentine himself was apparently a guy who was hated by Emporer Claudius II because he was a Christian and because he was performing marriages for soldiers, thinking that married men made better warriors. Not sure if was because single men were homesick for their gals and not paying attention in catapult class or if married men were just frustrated and angry. I agree with that- most married guys I know are miserable buggers. Not sure what the parameters around it were back then, but nowadays that's probably because wives make these poor men move to the suburbs, have 2.83 kids, buy a Ford Windstar and coach t-ball. Hell that'd make me wanna fight. Now there's gym punching bags and kickboxing classes, but I guess back then there was just the Holy Roman Empire and world conquest to take out your aggressions with. And who wouldn't rather be killing Germanic tribes with your compatriots and kinsmen than listen to your wives complain about the Dark Ages version of the PTA? Bros before hos..... So anyway, St. Valentine was thrown in jail and before his execution, he healed the daughter of his jailer, as she was blind and he had fallen in love with her. It was a wonderful expression of love and unselfishness.

After that, the story was spread around Europe by Bede, although the holiday seemed to be only celebrated by courtly nobility rather than the masses. It was even mentioned by Shakespeare in Hamlet. It continued in a rather unassuming and quiet manner for awhile, with only the British sending small cards to acknowledge the day. This was until around the 1840s when the day was exploited in the US by one Esther Howland who decided to get rich quick by selling cards. The profit-making abilities of the 45th day of the year became clear. And then it just snowballed. The holiday became about outdoing your neighbor and getting better stuff than your coworker, because god knows, the more that is $pent, the more someone cares. Rubbish! People like that need to go to rehab. Maybe I'll start a rehab center for this day.. I'll call it Sarah's VD clinic. I think it has a nice ring to it.