Evolution of a Day

Alright I have to do my taxes. Let's see. I was going to go to H & R Blockhead but I read that they're like $300. Shit. no thanks. And I really shouldn't be doing this on company time, but I have stolen internet so I don't want my tax info floating around out there for mr. hackers to get.
Ok Turbo Tax. $14.95. Alright, now we're talking. Let's put this out on the table first though- two years ago I e-filed my taxes when I was completely shit-faced. I got back like $900. Last year I did them sober and it said I owed like $4000. (then you-know-whos accountant fixed it for me and I only owed like $500). The moral of this story? Do everything drunk. You will receive money.

Alright.... entering personal information in. My name. Check. Date of Birth. Check. Christ I'm getting old. I'll be 26 in 76 days. Mark your calendars. Address. Check. Ok what form am I filling out? 1040EZ. I want to kick the IRS's ass for using the 'EZ' part because stuff like that annoys me. Ok am I single or head of household? There's something so 1950s about that term, I love it. Ok single. Do I qualify for an Earned Income Tax Credit? I have no idea. I think I should. I work hard for my money. I drag my ass in here no matter what (which usually means when I'm completely hungover and/or am still wearing the same clothes as yesterday..) Ok I don't qualify for that. Damn. Do I pay alimony? Haha no. What a ripoff. People need to get prenups. Military service? Well I got a cab driver arrested for making terroristic threats. Does that count? Ok done that part. Next...

Ok employer's identification number. Where is that? Halp! Oh ok box B. Check. But wait I had two different employers this year.... Shit all these forms have my old address on them still. What do I do now? Help me TurboTax! Ok continuing. This could get interesting. When they haul my ass off to tax jail, please come visit me.

Wait a minute, why should I have to fill all this stuff out? The government is the one who sends me this info, why do I need to repeat it back to them? They know what I made and how much money they withheld. Why are they asking me? Did they lose the information? That's just plain irresponsible. Are they testing me to see if I can locate Box B and accurately read the letters inside of it and be able to type them into a computer? It's not that hard, this stuff isn't written in Klingon or anything. I mean sure, if you're one of those people with 4 kids, 3 of which were foreign born, and you're recently widowed and have multiple investments and you served in Vietnam, then yes I see why you'd need to do all this. But me? I'm a simple person. I'm not mathematically or economically inclined. Hence why I work in finance. If I weren't worried about my pothead neighbor lighting the building up while trying to light his bong, I'd probably keep my money under my mattress. My idea of an investment is giving 25 cents to the singing hobos in the subway and requesting "Sweet Adeline". Then they mess it up because one starts singing "This Little Light of Mine". Then I laugh and give them more money. I like being an enabler.

But wait, I have money in a couple of mutual funds from a previous employer and some in my trust fund. Do I have to declare those? Will they find out if I don't? It's not much... Maybe I should make my Mom do my taxes again. She did them all when I was in college and grad school. But my parents aren't answering their phone. I hope they didn't end up getting cabin fever and using their newly bought rifle. No, must remain optimistic. I'm sure the snow and tornados just brought the telephone lines down. Either that or their house was overrun by antelope and coyotes. bark bark.

Shit, I have to have my last year's returns? I don't know where they are. Probably at you-know-whos house. Damn.... What does that matter what I paid or got back last year anyway? Let bygones be bygones... Mr. government if you keep dwelling in the past, we will never achieve progress. Then Walt Disney will be unhappy. Have any of you ever been on the Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom? I went once and had the damn song stuck in my head for about 2 years. I wanted to go and rip the heads off those damn animatronics.
Ok do I have any deductions? Medical? No. Yay for health insurance. Shit, when I go back to school I'm going to be without it. Hmmm not safe. I think I'm too old to be on my parents' insurance.. Maybe I'll post a Craigslist ad. Will marry for health insurance. I'll trade you a green card. You're not allowed to touch me though. Continuing... Moving expenses? Well I moved this year, but I think it's only deductible if it was work-related. It's expensive as hell to move. I only had to pay because you-know-who was supposed to help me and then backed out because he's a jackass. Maybe I should charge my moving expenses to him. Fool. I had to pay Big John's like $400. They did a damn good job though. I gave them beer.

Ok I took too long and now Turbo Tax has logged me out. Fuck it, I'm going to H & R Blockhead. The $300 will be well worth avoiding this torture. I'd do them drunk again, but like I said, I'd only do this stuff on my work computer and being drunk at work is not as fun as it sounds, because you get really testy when people start asking you for stuff. At least I do. Maybe I'm a mean drunk, I don't know. You tell me.