You know things are bad when...

.. when I have the Rutgers Financial Aid office phone number memorized and my fingers accidentally dial it when I'm trying to call someone else.

Everytime I call these geniuses I get a different answer.

My question is not rhetorical. My question is not philosophical. My question does not require a degree in astrophysics, mechanical engineering or biochemistry. My question does not even require a degree.

My question is simple. It does not delve into the mysteries of the universe, the complexities of life nor the ambiguities of religion.

My question will not require you to scour the great libraries of Alexandria, pour over the writings of Confucius or consult the great thinkers of the world's best universities.

My question will not lead you to question your faith, doubt your self-worth or struggle with your values. It will not cause you pain or grief or anguish.

My question is simple: Where is my fucking money and when am I going to get it.

One would think that being called the Financial Aid office would lead us charlatans to consult you in matters of, oh, say, financial aid. And one could reasonably believe that the office of said title would have answers to questions of the same topic. Perhaps I give too much credit and put too much faith into the Financial Aid office. Perhaps it's just a clever name, a metaphor will you.
Perhaps using such a name for an office is a test to my resolve, my intelligence and my sanity. Perhaps they feel that if I can't figure out financial aid on my own, then perhaps I should not be attending their fine university. I think this is quite possibly the case.

Ok-- but have YOU ever tried to figure out financial aid? It's IMPOSSIBLE. I'm relatively intelligent. I have an IQ of 155 and could be a member of MENSA but I don't feel like paying the membership fees. I have degrees from competitive institutions and have held many jobs that I was absolutely incapable of understanding or performing my tasks correctly. (see, my intelligence was in faking things enough to get the job... get it?) I can understand the writings of Dumas, concepts of Buddhism and the teachings of Nietzsche. Hell I can spell Nietzsche. While I might lack the common sense to turn my monitor screen on and then complain to our IT guy that the computer's broken, I can tie my own shoes and I say "let's go" in 4 different languages.

There are many questions in this world that can offer different answers each and every time you ask them:
- what time is it
-how are you
-how many times did McCain say the wrong thing today
-what's the score for the ballgame

But questions about financial aid should not have different answers each and everytime, especially not answers as vast as:
-we don't know
-the student accounting office controls that
-student accounting has nothing to do with accounting
-you are not in our system
-when you register you will get your money
-you are registered but you will not be receiving any money
-we don't handle federal aid questions at this office

Yeah. Those are the answers that I have received in the past 3 DAYS to my very same question. You would think that a simple student asking a simple question about financal aid would be a regular question heard around campus, especially a month before classes start. And you would think that a Financial Aid office would know the answer. I am not asking them about taxes or loan repayment or anything. I am asking where my money is. They can even tell me my money is under a rock. I'd be fine with that answer. Because it is at least an answer to my question. Ok I'd be fucked still, but at least a location has been stated and I can then start my scavenger hunt amongst the rocks of Rutgers University, Newark Campus. I wouldn't mind, it sounds fun. Perhaps I can use that as one of my core courses instead of elementary statistics. Hey, searching under rocks involves probabilities too..